The chauffeur who drove us from my parents’ house to this restaurant is leaning against his car in the parking lot out front. He tilts his head, asking if he should pull up. I shake my head.
I can’t believe I just said that to Johnny’s parents. But I’m also glad I did, because nobody else ever will. And I might never get a chance to talk to them again.
I hear the front door of the restaurant open behind me. I don’t look back because I just know it’s Mr. and Mrs. Brandt. They pass me and walk toward the parked cars.
Then Mrs. Brandt turns and walks back to me, hugging herself. She doesn’t seem upset at all, just a little concerned. “I just want you to know,” she says, “that I’ve always been grateful for your parents. Your mother, especially. And Monty, of course. And now I’m glad that John hasyou.”
I nod. I don’t trust myself to open my mouth and say anything else to her. Also, I’m afraid I’ll start crying again.
They leave, and I hear the door open again and know without looking that it’s John. I feel his hand on my back. “You okay?”
“Fantastic.”
After a beat, he says, “Did you mean what you said in there? The last part?”
I shake my head. “I don’t think so. I’m sorry.” Right now it feels like a lie, but I have to be true to myself. It’s kind of the opposite of eating zucchini-banana bread to make someone you love feel better. I have to eat my own words to make myself feel better. Because part of me knows Iwouldgive up everything to be with this man—and that is so much scarier than never getting to dance the lead inGiselleor not being featured inThe Nutcrackernext season.
“I’m glad” is what he says. Although I don’t know that I’ve ever heard anyone sound so sad when saying that. “I would never ask you to choose between your career and me. You know that, right?”
“I know.”
We just stand here on the pavement, between the restaurant and the parking lot, for a few silent minutes.
Finally, I ask him, “Are you ready to leave?”
“I don’t think I should leave yet.”
“Then I’ll stay with you.”
“You will?” he asks.
“Of course.”
“Of course. Because of our arrangement.”
“Because I want to be with you.” I don’t mean to sound sad about it, and I really wish it didn’t feel like I’ve been defeated. This must be how he felt when he said he couldn’t control himself around me anymore.
I try again. “I want to stay here with you. Because it’s an important event for you. And because I want to support you. For the same reasons my brother is here for you. Except in addition to those reasons, I also like it when you fuck me.”
A grin slowly spreads across his face. His teeth are really just so obnoxiously great. “I appreciate the clarification. And I appreciate what you said to my parents.”
“I’m sorry if I was rude.”
“I don’t think you were rude.”
That makes me laugh. Of course he doesn’t think I was rude. I was just being honest. It’s what he does. Most of the time. I think.
CHAPTER 27
JOHN
After brushing my teeth in the same guest bathroom I used for the Thanksgiving-hand-towel incident, I return to Olivia’s former bedroom to find her wearing yet another old cropped T-shirt that’s practically threadbare. How many crop tops does this woman have? I want to see her in all of them. This one has Snoopy and Woodstock on it. It used to be a full-length shirt, and she cut it to expose her belly. She probably did this when she was a teenager. Why? I’d like to think that her devious intention was to give herself easier access to her tits while dreamily thinking about me. While I was two states away in a dorm room that overlooked the Charles River, quietly getting myself off to thoughts of her. Wouldn’t it be something if that were true?
She’s braided her hair into two pigtails that are hanging from either side of her head and pointing directly at her boobs. Stretching on top of the bed, she’s casually doing the splits, wearing nothing but that thin top, a pair of black cotton boy shorts, and red nail polish on her pointed toes. She is a masterful cocktease. A true genius of easeful boner-inducing acts. She is a singularity. The point at the center of a black hole where all themass is concentrated, the laws of physics break down. Where everything I think I understand stops making sense.
I will devote my life to making sense of it, but I am willing to let go of what I’ve known and just…fall into it.
Tonight.
