Will try to remember to buy groceries on the way home. If you order pizza, please consider getting organic vegetarian. XX
Ever since my parents started investing in the food-tech industry, my mom has been trying to encourage my dad and me to go vegetarian, despite the fact that we’ve all always worked or studied such long hours that the main food groups we consume are Fast, Caffeinated, and Sugar.
When I feel a vibration in my pocket and see Monty’s caller ID on my phone, I feel more than a twinge of guilt. It’s not rational. I’ve done nothing wrong. Technically.
Before I can say hello, he says, “You filthy pervert.”
“Speaking.”
“You jacked it at my parents’ house, didn’t you?”
Shit.“How do you know it was me?”
“I found a crusty hand towel in the bush under the upstairs bathroom when I was taking the garbage can to the curb. I know for a fact that I didn’t blow my load into it. Are you implying that it was my dad’s spunk?”
“No. It was outside,” I say. “It could have been a neighbor. Or anyone visiting anyone in the neighborhood for Thanksgiving.”
“What is wrong with you? You aren’t twelve—you couldn’t wait until you got home? That hand towel was part of a set!”
“You also don’t know for a fact what the crusty substance was. It could have been gravy.”
“Dude.”
“You threw it away, right?” I ask.
“Yeah. The gravy-encrusted hand towel that you don’t know anything about was thrown away without my family knowing about it. You just better not have been thinking about my sister,” Monty says. “Surely there was some other female human you felt compelled to jerk off to during Thanksgiving dinner at my family home. Not my little sister, who happened to be wearing an inappropriately short skirt.”
“I…I don’t know what to say. Other than I was sexting with a girl named Jillian.”
This is not entirely untrue, as I did engage in sexually charged texting activities with Jillian several hours later once I’d returned here to my parents’ house. Obviously, no one needs to know that even while I was sexting with Jillian, I was thinking of Monty’s younger sister. Out of respect for her and her family, I imagined her as a twenty-year-old. Watching her sensual twenty-year-old mouth feast on my cock. Bending her over the Montgomery family dining table. Begging me to stuff her harder. Playfully asking me to show her how they do it in college.Moaning about how wrong she was about me while I came all over her twenty-year-old tits.
“Who is Jillian?”
Fuck.“Just a girl I met on Reddit.”
“Get out. Why haven’t you mentioned her before? Which subreddit?”
“MachineLearning.”
“Nice.”
“We aren’t dating or anything. She was back home, and she was bored. She’s a very good writer, so as you can imagine, her texts are stimulating.” I’m talking too much. He can probably tell I’m lying. “She’s really into Oxford commas, and she thinks Elon Musk is overrated.”
“That’s hot.”
“Yeah. I’m really embarrassed that I couldn’t wait, and I’m really sorry about the hand towel.”
He laughs. “You are full of surprises. Did she send pictures?”
“Affirmative.”
“Hot. But you gotta be careful with that, you know.”
“Oh, I am fully aware of the dangers and consequences of this situation,” I say. “But, you know, occasionally the brain is no longer in charge.”
“Even for you, huh?” he says. “Okay, well. I gotta go. You good?”
“Yes. You?”
