“And?”
“He’s a mess right now.”
“Who?”
“Johnny.”
“He’s never a mess.”
“He kind of tried to hide it, but I think he’s really sick,” Nathan says. “I’ve never heard him like this before.”
“What do you mean?”
“He said he might have the flu, but I think he’s messed upaboutyou. He told me about the pitch deck and the fake-fake relationship thing. And you wanting time apart to clear your head.”
I can’t believe he told Nathan.
“I’m not saying it’s normal or that it makes sense—I just get how it would make sense to Johnny. Shortest distance between two points and all that. It doesn’t make the point that he’s trying to get to any less important to him. I can see that it’s more important to him than anything else, actually.”
I sigh.
“Don’t be stubborn.”
“There’s no scenario where you actually try to look at things from my perspective instead of his, is there?”
“I get your perspective. We don’t need to discuss your perspective,” he says. “I’m trying to give youmyperspective. On my best friend. Are you listening?”
I sigh again, very dramatically. “Yes.”
“Johnny is the only true romantic I’ve ever met. Not in the lovey-dovey way that people expect, but in the way he views the world. He’s always had this universe of ideas and emotionsinside him. I just think he overperforms a little when he actually tries to express them…”
I attempt to snort-laugh at that, but a tiny, graceful stream of snot shoots out of my nose instead. I swipe a Kleenex from the spotless kitchen counter that Johnny’s housecleaner tidied up for us again two days ago. And the fact that I was insulted and defensive when John first offered to send her over makes me cry again.
“You think he’s ever told me that he cares about me with words?” my brother continues. “I’ve had a thousand conversations with him where it’s like he’s not even aware that I’m in the room. But he hears everything. He responds when necessary. If I need him, if I ask him for anything, he’s there. He’s always been there—whether I ask for help or not, actually. That job I took with the start-up in Austin? They didn’t offer me moving expenses or enough to cover first and last month’s rent. Johnny wired me the money immediately when I told him. I never would have asked. Did you know he offered to buy Mom and Dad a house? Of course, they wouldn’t let him, but…”
“I had no idea. And that’s really sweet, but it sounds like he offered that to you and Mom and Dad without hesitation,” I say. “Meanwhile, when it comes to me, he has to hatch schemes and analyze data and prove to himself that it’s not irrational to have feelings for me.”
“That’s what I’m saying. Money is just a means to an end for him.”
“He did say something like that once.”
“If he thought all you needed was money, he wouldn’t think twice about giving it to you. Money is something he’s acquired. Knowledge and ideas are his real currency. And it’s like…he has to analyze data in order to understand people, because he never felt safe enough to just feel things. He didn’t grow up thinking that just being himself was enough.”
I put him on speakerphone so I can blow my nose and weep for little boy Johnny.
“He’s the best possible version of a child of two workaholics. I mean, Mom had to teach him how to make a sandwich.”
“What?!” I collapse onto the sofa with the box of Kleenex. “Come on.”
“Well. She had to teach him how to make a decent sandwich, with vegetables on it. Dad taught him how to ride a bike. I taught him about sex…”
I snort-laugh for real at that.
“I mean, I told him about the basics,” Nathan goes on. “I know he’s done plenty of his own research and development in that department by now. I think he learned about girls from being around you.”
I scoff at that, even though I am quietly bawling my eyes out. “We’re so different. We don’t understand each other.”
“Yeah, you do. It’s just that you’re both trying to understand each other in the wrong way.”
