‘Nothing,’ Hope said, her smile returning, as if she’d pushed the weight of her past or whatever she’d been about to say firmly behind her. ‘Nothing at all. What we need to focus on is you and this beautiful baby of yours. Right now, there is nothing that matters more.’
‘Do you think her new mother will pretend that she was pregnant herself? I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone who has adopted a child, and I keep wondering how it will all work.’
Hope took her hand and squeezed it, keeping hold as she spoke. ‘Evelina, I don’t have all the answers, because everyone is different.’ She slowly let go of her hand, but she held her eye contact. ‘You’re doing this for your daughter, and my job is to find the very best new family for her to join where she will be as loved and cherished as if you were raising her yourself.’
Evelina blinked away fresh tears. She’d shed so many since arriving at Hope’s House, and after giving birth, that she’d almost thought she was out of tears. It seemed she was capable of crying endlessly when it came to her child.
‘But you will give me your word that you’ll try to give this to her?’ she asked. ‘You will try your very best to make sure she receives this one day?’
Hope’s eyes glistened with fresh tears, too, as if she felt every ounce of Evelina’s pain. ‘Yes, I give you my word. A thousand times over. I would never forgive myself if I had this in my possession and it never found its way to your daughter.’
They sat in silence until the baby began to stir, and Evelina rose to pick her up and cuddle her. She held her close to her chest and gently rocked her, pressing a slow kiss to her pink forehead and letting her lips linger against her soft new skin.
‘What will you do, once you leave?’ Hope asked. ‘Will you return to France, after the war?’
Evelina smiled. ‘I will. France is my home.’ But even as she said the words, her heart screamed that home was wherever her child was, that no country or place could ever be as important as her flesh and blood. But if she gave her daughter up for adoption, then how could she ever stay in London when there was nothing left for her?
‘Evelina, I know you’ve already asked yourself this question many times over, but I have to know that you’re quite certain,’ Hope said, her eyes meeting Evelina’s. ‘I also know what it’s like to not be given a choice, which is why it’s even more important to me that you’ve been offered every opportunity to change your mind.’ She paused, and they stared at each other for a long moment. ‘I’m asking you to be completely sure about what you’re about to do.’
Evelina held her breath, knowing the question that was coming and wishing she didn’t have to answer it.
‘Are you certain that you want to put your baby up for adoption?’
‘I’ve been certain of many things in my life,’ Evelina answered, dropping her gaze to her daughter and studying her perfect, rounded little features, ‘but parting with this little darling isn’t one of them.’ She took a deep, shuddering breath. ‘What I do know is that I can’t offer her the life she deserves. I want her to have a mother and a father to dote on her, to bring her up with all the love and care in the world, to make sure she’s not looked down on for only having a mother, to have a home that she can be proud of. I can’t do those things for her, no matter how much I wish I could.’
‘I understand, truly I do.’
‘Have you found a family for her yet?’ Evelina asked, almost not wanting to hear the reply to her question.
Hope shook her head. ‘I haven’t. Not yet.’
‘But you will?’ Evelina asked, hearing the rising panic in her own voice.
‘I will.’
Her daughter stretched and began to whimper, as if she could somehow sense what they were discussing.
‘I think the little one is hungry,’ Hope said, rising and gently patting Evelina’s shoulder. ‘I’ll leave you to it and come back shortly with coffee. I’m going to miss having you to share a hot drink with, even if the coffee is dreadful due to these blasted rations.’
Evelina smiled up at her before repositioning herself so that she could breastfeed, knowing how much she would miss Hope once she left, too. Usually Evelina stared down in wonder at her daughter as she drank her fill, her little fist resting on her chest as she suckled, but this morning she stared at the little box instead, imagining how old her baby would be when she openedit, trying to picture her daughter growing, holding the clues that she was about to place inside for her.
She’d considered leaving the diamond bracelet for her, and she was certain that Hope would understand if she changed her mind, but she knew she wouldn’t. What she was going to leave behind for her had to mean something; it was the truest clue of who her mother was, and if her ambitions were anything to go by, then this was all she would need to find her mother one day, if she ever wanted to.
Evelina looked at the sketch she’d chosen, her eyes roving over the silhouette of the dress. She loved it as much now as she had when she’d designed it, the first dress that had caught Antoine’s attention and properly launched her career, and it was a design she wanted to revisit. After the war, when she returned to Paris, she was going to design again, to pick up her pencil and remind the fashion world of who she was, not to mention prove to herself that she didn’t need Antoine’s validation to succeed. This time, she would do it on her own.
At that moment she felt a tug at her breast, reminded of her daughter, and her heart lurched. It was so easy to imagine her old life, but actually leaving, saying goodbye…she swallowed and forced herself to look back at her clues, needing something other than leaving to focus on.
She would fold the sketch into a square, and then place the cutting of grey velvet with it. Even just staring at it, she could feel the soft, buttery fabric, knew how it would feel against her skin if she pressed it to her body.Because I’ll never forget what it felt like to wear that dress for the first time, to see other women wearing my creations, to understand the fall of the velvet as I draped it around the mannequin before it was sewn. This is what I was born to do, this is why I left home all those years ago, that was the life I was destined for.
Evelina sighed. It was as if she were part of two worlds, and even though the pull to her daughter was stronger than the one to her past, she knew what choice she had to make.
It was time to leave her child, before leaving became truly impossible.
‘I love you, ma fille chérie,’ she whispered. ‘I love you so fiercely that I fear my heart might explode, but I’m not enough for you. I can’t give you everything you need, the life you deserve.’
No matter how ferocious her love was for the infant swaddled in her arms, Evelina had decided what to do, and there was no going back.
28
