Delphine placed her palm to her stomach, feeling the slightly rounded curve. She could never have done it anyway; even as she’d said the words, she knew it was not something she could ever do, even to protect her children, but she was ashamed to admit she had considered it. At one point, when she’d lain awake in the night, she’d thought it might be her only option, had thought that she’d have to sacrifice her unborn child for the ones she could already hold in her arms and love; the legitimate children that could be taken from her if someone discovered her pregnancy or her affair.
‘Tell me where I’d be going,’ Delphine finally said. ‘If your plan was to work, what type of place would I have to stay? Where would you have me go?’
‘There is only one suitable place, and it’s called Hope’s House,’ Martina said. ‘It’s a home run by a kindly woman, and she arranges adoptions to suitable parents. You would be able to trust her to look after you and your baby, and she’s very discreet.’
‘We would pay her for this…’ Delphine hesitated. ‘Service?’
Martina nodded. ‘It’s not necessary, but I would suggest a generous donation.’
‘You’re certain this is the place for me?’ Delphine asked. ‘You don’t think we should try to find somewhere here in Switzerland? Or even in Italy?’
‘This is the place. I’ve been very discreet in my search, and I know this is the right home for you.’ Martina had tears shining in her eyes as she spoke. ‘For youandthe baby. You will be safe there, and you will be treated with the dignity you deserve.’
‘They are used to situations like mine?’
‘It is primarily a home for unmarried mothers to give birth, but the woman who runs it does not discriminate. I’ve already written to her on your behalf.’
A fresh wave of tears threatened, but Delphine did her best to hold them back. She would not cry. She needed to be strong; she needed to do everything she could to keep her children, to survive without Florian, to find a way forward. If this was the only way to do that, then so be it. She would have to accept her situation, that she was now being lumped with unmarried mothers and their illegitimate children. Because that’s what her unborn baby was, and she was worse than unmarried; she was an adulteress.
‘You said this place is called Hope’s House?’ she eventually asked. ‘Hope is the name of the woman in charge?’
‘Yes, Signora.’
She nodded. If Martina said this was the best place for her, then she would go there. Delphine only prayed she was right and they could keep it hidden from everyone; most especially from Giovanni. If he discovered she was pregnant by another man…She shuddered. He would have no qualms about taking the children and making sure she never saw them again, about turning both of their families against her, about leaving her with nothing.
‘Begin telling the staff that we will be making some changes,’ Delphine said, clearing her throat as she regained her composure. ‘We will make them slowly. I won’t begin to show too obviously for some weeks, and during that time we will start to limit contact with me, until you are the only one permitted in my personal quarters.’ She paused. ‘And I’d like to ensure that we give generously to Hope’s House, to help other women in need. I’ll use my own money, so Giovanni doesn’t find out and ask any questions.’
‘Of course.’
‘Can I leave all the arrangements regarding our trip to London in your capable hands? I don’t think I have the nerve to deal with it all right now.’ Her hands were shaking just thinking about how she’d execute her plan, how she’d make sure her children felt loved and cared for while she was gone. Martina was kind and thoughtful; she could run a household and ensure her children were fed and nurtured, but it wasn’t the same as having their mother. Their father had already left them; the last thing she wanted was for them to feel that she’d abandoned them, too.
‘Yes, Signora Delphine,’ Martina said. ‘I can handle everything other than your husband. I promise.’
‘Thank you. I’ll write to him in the morning and tell him that I’m becoming restless, that I would like to spend a short time with him in the spring, so that the children can see London and broaden their horizons,’ Delphine said, thinking as she spoke, knowing that she would have to appeal to Giovanni’s ego if she were to convince him of her plan. ‘I shall invent an old school friend that I wish to see, and perhaps that can be the catalyst for my disappearance. I can become ill, write to him, even forge communication from a doctor to him. Perhaps he will even allow us to rent a house in London for a period, so he doesn’t have to have us in his flat. That would be even more convenient, for me and for him, too, I suspect.’
Martina nodded. ‘I think that’s a perfectly sound plan. All he has to believe is that you’re tired of being in Geneva alone, make him think that you’ll be content so long as you get to broaden your horizons and travel.’
‘Once we decide to do this, there will be no going back,’ Delphine said, as much to convince herself as Martina. ‘You and I, as well as this Hope woman, will be the only people to know of my pregnancy. We shall make the trip an adventure for thechildren, and so long as I can convince Giovanni, there’s no reason that it won’t work.’
There’s no other way. This is what must be done. It simply has to work. I’ve pretended before, I’ve made him think I was happy when I was deeply miserable. I can do this.
As Martina squeezed her hand before walking away, Delphine sat straight-backed on the bed, telling herself over and over that she was doing the right thing. Her grief over Florian was unbearable most days, leaving her breathless and with a pain inside her that was impossible to heal, but today she knew she needed to be strong. She needed to make keeping her secret and delivering this baby safely her greatest priority; it was all that mattered right now.I have the rest of my life to grieve for Florian, to beg his forgiveness in what I have to do. I will love him forever, remember our child together, birth our baby with the utmost love, but there is simply no way that I can keep him or her. The path ahead was going to break her heart all over again, for how could it not? But she didn’t want to think about parting with their baby, not now. Losing Florian had almost broken her, but thinking about losing their baby? She shut her eyes, the pain too great.
Without Florian, she was nothing, had no power, no ability to change her destiny. She was at the mercy of her husband now, and that wasn’t something she found easy to comprehend, especially given her condition.
When she heard the sound of children’s laughter rising from outside, she stood and padded over to the window, looking out and seeing Isabella and Tommaso in a rare show of sibling affection, their heads bent together as they whispered about something. They were playing together, kicking a ball back and forth, the sun shining brightly after days of rain, but right then, Tommaso was passing the ball to his sister and saying something to her that brought a big smile to her face.
I am doing this for them. She touched her stomach once more, guilty all over again at the thought of the life growing inside her. But she didn’t know this child; this baby, it was conceived in love, but she had a choice to make, and she had to choose the children she already loved, whom she already held so deeply in her heart, who were the only reason she rose each morning, instead of wallowing in her grief.
If there was another way, she would have chosen it, but there was not. She was a woman with nothing to her name, no way of surviving if she asked her husband for a divorce or chose to leave him. Her family would turn their backs on her, her husband’s family would shun her and petition the court for her children, which she had no doubt they would succeed in doing, and she had no way to provide for them.
Except for the tiara. But she knew that if she tried to sell it and failed, if Florian’s family knew of its existence and tried to challenge her ownership, that her fate could be even worse. She could be arrested, accused of stealing from him, and she had no way to prove that it was intended for her. The only thing she had was Florian’s word, and without him there to confirm his intention, it meant nothing. It might help her in the future, but it would be too risky to try to sell it now.
Tommaso looked up then, as if sensing his mother standing by the window, and she held up her hand to wave. His smile broadened and he nudged his sister in the ribs, which made her look up, too, Isabella’s smile bright as she jumped up and down and waved back, before holding up the ball as if to make sure her mother could see what they were doing.
She wasn’t sure if their love in that moment made her decision harder or easier to live with, but she knew what she had to do. The only choice she could make was the one that guaranteed that Tommaso and Isabella remained with her.
I’m sorry, Florian.
