They walked slowly, her mum looking like she wanted to say something, but every time she opened her mouth she’d close it again and look away. Ella decided to take the lead—anything to put an end to the uncomfortable silence.
‘How’s Dad?’
‘He’s good. Busy at work, you know how he is.’
She did. Every year her dad mentioned retiring, but she expected he’d still be working until he was eighty. Work gave him something to occupy his mind, and she knew that without it, he’d struggle, even though she’d love to see him relax more.
‘I had dinner with Kate last night,’ Ella said. She felt guilty—when was the last time she’d asked her mum to come into town for dinner? Ella knew she needed to make more of an effort, but sometimes what she needed was Kate’s non-judgemental, easy-going company. With her mum, it always seemed to take more of an effort, almost like she had to be a different version of herself.
‘I spoke to her this morning, actually,’ her mum said slowly, as if she wasn’t sure about divulging the information.
‘You did?’ So she already knew they’d had dinner. Perhaps that was what the impromptu visit was about.
‘She said you had a lovely time.’
‘Mum, please—’
‘Ella, I love it that you’re close to Kate, please don’t worry. She always treated you kids like you were her own, and that’s how I wanted it to be.’ Her mum touched her arm as they stopped outside the coffee shop. ‘I can see guilt written all over your face, but you have nothing to feel guilty about, and besides, she’s always been great company. I can understand why you like spending time with her.’
Ella let go of the breath she hadn’t even realised she’d been holding. ‘Thanks.’
They walked inside and Ella ordered two coffees and paid at the counter, before joining her mother at a table.
‘So if it’s not about dinner last night, why did you decide to call by today?’
‘She told me about the box.’
Ella slowly nodded. ‘O-kay.’ She exhaled. What happened to Kate telling her to keep it a secret from her mum? They’d agreed barely sixteen hours earlier! ‘Sorry, I should have brought it to show you. When we get back to the gallery I can—’
Her mum held up her hand. ‘Ella, I don’t need to see it. I’m here to tell you not to waste time on it.’
‘Waste time?’ Ella frowned. ‘What do you even mean by that? Don’t you want to find out about Grandma?’
‘You need to focus on work, Ella. You don’t have time to worry about silly clues from the past that may or may not have a connection to your grandmother. It probably doesn’t mean anything anyway.’
Ella bristled. ‘Mum, first of all, I have time in my life to do things other than work. And second, what do you mean by all that? I think it’s fairly clear that the box was left for Grandma. It had her name on the tag, for starters! Of course it means something.’
Her mother shrugged and reached for the sugar, toying with the paper edge of the sachet. ‘Ella, I just don’t want you to be distracted. You’ve worked very hard to get where you are with your career, and this could consume you, trying to figure out what it all means.’
‘Distracted?’ Ella repeated, her face heating. She knew what her mother was trying to say: she didn’t want her daughter distracted like Harrison had been. The coroner had said that he’d most likely been distracted when he’d taken the corner too fast and crashed into the power line, and ever since then, her mother had been hyper-focused on making certain that no one else in their family could be distracted byanything. ‘Mum, I’m not him.’ She bit her tongue, not wanting to hurt her mother, but also wanting her to know that she needed to live her own life without fear. ‘This is not that kind of distraction.’
‘Ella, all I’m saying is that you want to stay focused on what you’re doing. It’s like when you wanted to be an artist, but in the end you made the right decision, thesensibledecision. You put your energy into building a wonderful career, and look where you are now! You’re such a success, and we couldn’t be prouder.’ She paused. ‘I’m asking you to let it go.’
Their coffees arrived and gave Ella time to consider her answer. She’d ordered takeout cups, thinking they’d sip them as they slowly walked back, but now she could see that they’d be sitting and drinking instead.
‘Mum, what if I still want to be an artist?’ She lowered her voice. ‘What if I question every day whether my success has been worth the sacrifice?’
‘Worth it?’ Her mother looked shocked. ‘Sweetheart, you’ve achieved everything you ever dreamed of!’
No, Mum, I’ve achieved everythingyouever dreamed of.
Ella took a sip of her coffee and promptly burnt the tip of her tongue. There was no use in having this conversation. They’d had it a hundred times already and if she was honest with herself, it was the reason she chose to meet her aunt for dinner over her mum, because she got to be herself, to be open about how she was feeling and what was happening in her life. To not have to censor herself.
‘Aren’t you just a little bit curious to find out about your mother’s family? To find out who her birth mother was? Wasn’t it a shock to you to find out that she was adopted?Ifshe was adopted?’
She sighed, and Ella saw for perhaps the first time just how tired her mother looked—the lines around her eyes were etched deep now, and her gaze was weary. ‘Sometimes we need to just leave the past in the past, that’s all I’m saying. What good is there in uncovering secrets that might be better left that way?’
Ella immediately thought of Harrison when her mum spoke of the past, knowing that he was probably on her mother’s mind as well.
