His ears perk up. “Oh, that’s a wonderful idea. You would make a phenomenal head chef.”
My face heats. “It’s just a dream.”
But Rupert kisses me on the cheek. “I believe in you, even if you don’t yet.”
One day, on our afternoon walk, the air smells of coming rain. But it’s still sunny and even a tad warm, so I forego my scarf and hat when we head off together into the garden.
Rupert shows me where he keeps the fish food, and we giggle together as the massive koi fish swim up to the surface.
“They’re beautiful,” I say, almost wishing I could pet one.
Then Rupert winds my hand around his arm and we embark on a walk into the woods. This is where we have thedeep conversations about our lives, our parents, our histories. I’ve learned much about him on these walks, and as our relationship deepens, so do the subjects of our discussions.
“I’m sure my mother leaving had something to do with why I fell in with Andy,” I say. “That’s what a therapist would tell me. Something about not having a secure parental attachment.”
“That does sound like something a counselor would say, if I’d ever had one.”
I chuckle. “Could have saved you some grief.”
He laughs at this. We both have a bit of a dark sense of humor sometimes, and I like how we share that.
“Why did she leave?” Rupert asks after a time.
“I really don’t know. Dad has guesses, but she didn’t leave a note. When she called, she wouldn’t say. Eventually she stopped calling, too.” I lean against him as we walk. “I wondered for a long time what I did wrong.”
“You were a child. You did nothing wrong.”
“Yeah, I know. I think. But it makes me wonder. What is it like to be a parent? Was there something about me that she just… couldn’t handle?”
“Perhaps some people are simply not cut out for it.” He peers down at me. “Is that something you want? A family? Children?”
“Kids are a complicated thing for me,” I say, not releasing his hand. “But I’m not against it. I do still dream of, you know, having a happy family that I could bring children into. With someone I really love.” I crane my neck to look up at him. “What about you?”
“I don’t know if I could,” Rupert says, bowing his head. “What if they turned out like… me?”
I rub his arm. “Maybe that wouldn’t be the worst thing.”
“Of course it would be. I couldn’t create another monster,someone who must hide themselves from the world.” He shakes his head firmly.
“Then it won’t be on the table,” I say. Though maybe it’s a big assumption that whatever is between us will last that long.
“You’d give up your dream of having a family to be with a monster?” Rupert rubs his face miserably.
“All I want in my life is love. If that means no children, I’m fine with that.”
My monster smiles down at me, and though it is a sad smile, his arm wraps around my shoulders and he pulls me in to kiss the top of my head.
Soon, the clouds do roll in, and not too long after, rain starts to fall. Rupert takes off his coat to drape it over both of us as we jog back to the manor, the rain coming down harder and harder. Despite the coat, we’re both soaked when we step back inside.
“You should change so you don’t get cold,” Rupert says.
“All right, all right.” I rise to my toes to kiss him on the cheek. “So should you.” Then I scurry inside my rooms and change out of my wet clothes, hanging them up in the bathroom to dry.
When I emerge, Rupert is waiting for me, still soaking wet. I prop my hands on my hips.
“You need to get out of those clothes, too.”
“I wanted to go with you.”
