“I’m afraid of what you’ll think of… me.”
We head up the stairs together, the stars shining brightly through the tall windows.
“What I’ll think of you?” Peony squints as she thinks. “Oh! Do you mean, um, your body?”
It’s so embarrassing that all I can do is nod.
“Ah, I see.” She rubs her chin. “That part specifically?”
I can’t believe she’s asking this, but again, I nod.
“That’s understandable.”
I return to walking with one arm around her down the hall.
“I don’t know what to expect, so I can’t say I won’t be surprised,” she says. That’s what I’m afraid of. But then she strokes the fur on my arm with a calming surety. “I’m sure it will just take time to get used to it. Can you give me time?”
I’m not sure what to make of her question. I would give her all the time in the world.
“You don’t even have to see it if you don’t want to,” I say quickly. “We can just do… other things. If you’d rather not.”
Peony frowns in a way that scrunches up her nose adorably, like a rabbit.
“I’m not going to take off my clothes if you don’t. That’s not fair.”
I can’t help a snort of laughter. “Fair?”
“Yeah! You can’t expect me to open up to you and be vulnerable with my body if you won’t do the same for me.” She crosses her arms as we reach the final steps up to the door to my quarters, pulling away from me.
I hadn’t considered that angle. I figured that because she was human, she wouldn’t be self-conscious about herself the same way that I am. But I suppose it applies to her just as much as it does to me.
If I want her to let me in, then I need to let her in, too.
“I see.” I pause at the threshold. Not only do I understand her request, but I think I might understand myself better, too.
Exposing the strangeness of my physical body is only a part of my reluctance. It’s inherently a part of who I am—and how I got here. And Peony still doesn’t realize what the monster is, what it represents, and why she should be horrified by it. All she sees is an innocent man in a creature’s body.
She doesn’t know just how guilty I am.
peony
Rupert stands much too long at the door, his brow furrowed in thought. But I wait patiently until, at last, he shakes his head and smiles wistfully down at me.
“You know, Peony,” he begins as he finally twists the doorknob, pushing it open, “you have forced me to ask all sorts of questions of myself that I didn’t want to ask.”
It is not what I expected him to say at this moment, but I nod to show I’m listening as he leads me inside.
“Why am I so reluctant to show you myself? What deeper psychological phenomenon is at play?” He sighs wearily. “Not questions I want to ponder, you know, when I am simply trying to be alone with a beautiful woman.”
I have to laugh.
We enter the main room, and here, Rupert invites me to sit in the chair beside his in front of the fire. It’s not burning right now, but he sets about right away to lighting it.
I suppose we’re not going for the bedroom immediately. It seems he has some things to say first.
“I asked for this, you know.” Rupert’s tone changes as he stuffs newspaper into the fireplace, then lights it. “Iwantedthis to happen.”
Huh? That doesn’t make any sense. I’ve understood up until now that this form was something that befell him, some ailment, maybe. Not that I’ve ever heard of any sickness that turns you into an eight-foot monster.
