“Of course!” Lola says, as if this shouldn’t be a surprise.
“Wha— Why? How? Why would he do that for you?”
It’s a stupid question.
I know why. Because Malcolm is wonderful and would do anything for anyone, no matter how much they drive him crazy. Aunt Edna has a new shed for her romance-novel writing in her backyard because of Malcolm. I guess a small part of me assumed it could have been Malcolm who painted the door and fixed the sink, but another part of me didn’t want to believe that he was that good. Part of me didn’t want to admit that a man like Malcolm could give so much of himself to me and my crazy family. That he could love them so well.
Even when he wants to convince everybody he’s a loner who only worries about himself, I know the truth. He’s the good—the good feelings, the good parts of the day, the good you want to see in the world. He’s the brightness that creeps in through the curtains in the morning. He’s the sweetness in my nightly ice cream. He’s the fresh air that fills my lungs on the track. And he’s the one person that makes me feel seen, and wanted, and—
My thoughts screech to a halt. The realization feels like a nudge in the arm.
Whenever Malcolm is around, I don’t feel alone. Being with him fills the emptiness in ways I didn’t expect. Like a grizzly bear shimmying his way into a cold, dark cave for hibernation, Malcolm has made himself comfortable in the back of my mind.
The thought warms me from the inside out, chasing away that lingering chill of loneliness and filling me with something I’m unfamiliar with, something I don’t think I’ve ever felt.
“Why is it so crazy to think that you could be with your best friend for the rest of your life, Katherine?” Lola draws my attention back to her. “You deserve that. You deserve a life with someone who shows you a consistent type of love. Stable. Uncomplicated. Someone who is sure of you. Someone who shows up. Someone who fills that little hole inside you that you’ve wanted filled since you were a child.” She jabs her finger at me, swirling it around in the direction of my heart. As if her hand is pulling at a string attached to the beating organ, it flutters and pounds against my sternum. “How can you give your heart to some stranger on the internet when there is already a man out there waiting? A man who has shown you they’re worthy of a heart like yours?”
My throat feels thick with emotion. The loneliness I’ve felt, the loneliness I’ve been so fixated on, the hole she’s talking about…it’s felt so suffocating that I’ve overlooked what’s right in front of me.
Hell, it had to be thrown at me in a concussed-wrapped bow for me to see what I’ve been missing: a future where Malcolm is more than just a friend.
Is it possible that, for all this time, I really haven’t been that lonely? That maybe the constant tugging in my heart and longing for shared glances, and inside jokes, and lingering touches, could have been within reach this entire time?
Is this feeling love?
Do I love Malcolm?
Does he even love me?
More panging inside my head and chest. I have to physically shake it off and focus. I have to look at the facts. I’m basing my information on a seventy-five-year-old with a TikTok obsession.Now, yes, history has shown she’s never been wrong about this sort of thing. She knew the moment she met Ellie that she would end up with Benny.
“Love is easy,”she’d always tell us. And maybe she’s right.
But she could be wrong. As much as she denies it, Lola doesn’t know everything. It might not be as easy as she claims. Love hasn’t been easy for me—ever. Loving Eric wasn’t easy. Loving my mom sure as heck isn’t. How can I know loving Malcolm will be any different?
As we leave, Lola’s probing questions linger, and I start to wonder if she’s onto something. Maybe it’s time to stop searching for love and embrace the possibility that it’s been right in front of me all along.
Maybe.
But how am I supposed to tell Malcolm that?
Chapter thirty-three
Kate
“Can you chill out?You’re going to ruin your manicure,” Ellie snips at me, swatting my hands away from my face.
“I’m sorry. I’m freaking out!” What an understatement. I’ve used an entire box of tissues to wipe under my arms and the back of my neck since walking into this gym. “Why is it so hot in here?” I groan and flail my arms about as I pace in front of the ticket table.
We finished setting up for prom with ample time to spare. Music and lights are waiting to be turned on moments before the doors open, because it will add to theexcitement of it all,according to Emma. The place looks amazing. String lights cover every inch of the gymnasium ceiling and wrap around the banisters on the second level. Vintage books Emma found at Goodwill are used as centerpieces and accents in different areas. The wooden sign Malcolm made has been set up by the door for entrance photos.
My stomach feels like it’s full of acid as I pace back and forth as nauseating nerves boil up inside of me. About thirty minutes ago, I decided I’m going to talk to Malcolm.
I have no earthly idea what I’m going to say. I just know I need to talk to him. I need to tell him what’s going on inside my head.
Do I know what’s going on inside my head? Even if I don’t, I need to talk to him, right? Gosh, quit talking to yourself, Kate.
“Seriously, you’re making me dizzy,” Ellie presses her fingers into her temples as her eyes follow my pacing feet.
