“I’m sorry.” I blow a curl off my face. They’re crazy and untamed today, my hair clip hanging on for dear life. “I just had a long night. Then a long morning.”
Ellie stifles a laugh. “Long, huh?”
“I hate you.” I throw a pen at her but can’t help giggling with her.
“What’s going on, Kate?” She leans over the desk, resting her chin in her hands.
She’s so effortless when she talks to people. I mean, yes, it’s kind of a requirement for her job, but she’s so freaking good at it. I bite at my thumbnail as she watches me. I can’t hide anything from her. Not that I want to. She’s my best friend. But it doesn’t bode well that, on top of her seeing right through me, keeping secrets from a therapist in general is downright impossible for me. Those two things together make Ellie my secrets’ kryptonite. When Benny told me he was going to propose, I had to fake sick with contagious diarrhea for a week just to avoid ruining the surprise.
“I don’t know. I just don’t feel like myself.” I grab a rubber band from my desk and twirl it between my fingers. “I’m stressed about the party. My students already have a case of senioritis. And I haven’t told Malcolm…”—I pause, pulling the band back farther—“my plans…yet.” The rubber band snaps against my finger, and I wince in pain, shoving it in the trash can in protest.
“I see.” She pauses, doing that therapist thing where she chooses her words carefully. “One, of course the kids have senioritis. They graduate in three months. Two, don’t stressabout the party. It happens every year. And lastly, why haven’t you told Malcolm?”
“I don’t know.” I chew on my nail again. But I do know. I’m afraid of what he’ll think of my random decision to start dating again. He’s so protective and opinionated, like a German Shepherd sniffing out the drugs. I’m already anxious enough about getting back out there, but I know as soon as he finds out, he’ll be watching like a hawk. Some might find it annoying, but I’d do the same for him if he were to get out there. But he’s never liked dating—or so I think, since I’ve never seen him with anyone. And I haven’t dated since—
“Are you afraid he’ll be mad?” Ellie asks, cutting off my thought.
“Kind of.”
“Why?” Her green eyes flicker at me as she leans forward.
I shrug as she stands and walks down an aisle of desks, her black high heels clicking against the floor. The fluorescent lights and baby-blue sweater she’s sporting today are harsh against her pale skin, yet she still glows like an angel. She’s really come out of her shell, going from all black or neutrals to an array of colors in her wardrobe, since she’s been with Benny. I guess that’s what happens when you find love…the color comes back into your life.
“Malcolm is a grown man. The guy is almost forty—”
“Thirty-seven,” I correct her.
“Years old,” she continues. “He’s been single a long time. I doubt he’ll be upset thatyou, a grown woman of child-bearing age, is ready to find a mate.”
“First of all, ew. Do not use those weird fairy book terms with me again. Second, children? Also, ew. Calm down.”
“You don’t want kids?”
“That’s not—no, I don’t—I’m not sure. Maybe. Can we focus please?” Leaning my head back against my chair, I spin aroundin circles, noting pieces of Scotch tape left from my Christmas decorations last term.
“All I’m saying,” Ellie says, refocusing as she keeps walking around my classroom, “is that Malcolm is an adult. You both are. Just tell him you’re ready to date, and he’ll support you. He wants you to be happy, and if getting back out there makes you happy, then so be it.” She makes her way across the back of the room, noting the science presentations on display, before pivoting on her heel toward me.
“I know he just wants me to be happy. He’s the best. We’ve just been single pals for so long I don’t want him to feel abandoned or something.”
I’ve been single for the last three years. After Eric left Glendale, our relationship didn’t last longer than a month. Long distance just never works—not for me anyway. And Malcolm was there for me when it happened. He ate ice cream with me. Watched sad movies with me. He even went to aMamma Miaproduction with me. The poor guy was so out of place, but it made the night a million times better. So, of course, when I was tipsy off two glasses of wine one night, I told him we should make a pact. Stay single until we’re old then live off our retirement together.
“I just can’t help but feel like he’s been holding out on dating because of me. Because I wasn’t ready. Being a good friend and all.” I do one final spin around in my chair, bringing my knees to my chest for momentum. “Now I’m just jumping back in the sea and leaving him on land.”
“Malcolm won’t have any issues finding someone. Just tell him you’re thinking of dating again.” Ellie sits on the edge of my desk, straightening my stapler and clicking my pens so theydon’t dry out.She does this every day. Sometimes I leave my pens unclicked or uncapped just to drive her a little crazy.
“Well, here’s the thing…” I hesitate. “I already am…dating…again.” My voice cracks at my words, and Ellie gives me an incredulous look.
“What?” She grits out, pressing her lips into a tight line, nostrils flaring. I half expect to see smoke come out of her ears at this information.
“You’re mad,” I whisper, looking down at the discolored tile under my feet.
“Am not.”
“See, ifyou’remad, then can you imagine how Malcolm will feel? What will he think when he realizes his best friend has been lying to him for weeks about her extracurricular activities?” I groan, throwing my head into my hands.
“Weeks?” she exclaims, jumping off my desk, her heels screeching against the floor. Such a horrible noise. I wince as she towers over me, tapping her foot. “Why didn’t you tell us? Why didn’t you tellme?”
“I don’t know.”I really don’t.Maybe I’m embarrassed. Embarrassed that it’s taken me this long to get back out there. Embarrassed I let the Eric situation knock me down so hard. Embarrassed that every time I see my family, they hound me about getting married and giving them grandbabies. The embarrassing truth stings my eyes.
