On top of that, being engaged to a psychiatrist never allowed for silence. Both of us were guilty of always interpreting the others’ feelings or emotions, then constructing a one-sided conversation to handle any and all conflict.
At the beginning of our relationship, I wished for a mute button in our conversations just to have a moment of silence to myself. Then it became a battle between us . . . who could psychoanalyze the most? It wasn’t until Liam moved out that I started noticing the quiet again.
It was scary how quiet my mind became.
I was quiet and alone in my own thoughts.
But right now, in this moment, walking on the sidewalk next to Benny, the quiet is different.
The quiet isn’t scary.
“So, how are you?” Benny asks as we approach an intersection.
“Good.”Ugh, I am terrible at small talk.
“You don’t feel overwhelmed with the students, yet?” He kicks a stick out of our path as we cross the road.
“Definitely not. It’s actually been refreshing to not have to sit and analyze a person’s emotional or mental issues for an hour. The majority of my sessions have been discussing grades, college, or summer plans.” I look both ways as we cross. “Not that these kids don’t have real issues—just not what I’m used to. Life's disappointments haven’t tarnished their dreams . . .” I feel his eyes on me as I trail off. I let out a sigh, thinking about the burden of my own life’s disappointments weighing me down.
Without intending to, I stop walking and take in the sight.
It’s the end of September—still warm but the leaves are slowly starting to change. A mixture of green and orange hang like a tapestry above the power lines on one side of the street.
Down the street I can see different colored brick buildings attached to each other, different establishments in each one, all busy with people. Wafflin’ is nestled on the end of the street, with a large window. Inside is filled with a handful of people, a calm environment for an early dinner. It looks so different from the picture I saw Kate post the other night. The excessive luau decorations and strobing lights are gone. And there definitely aren’t any red-eyed teachers dancing in the middle of the floor. My gaze follows the sidewalk and lands on a pet daycare. A quaint little place, with a gray cat lying in the window.
On the block across the street are tall city buildings. A combination of concrete and steel stretching down the block. The people coming and going were dressed to impress in their business suits. It was giving New York vibes without even trying, which was a slight contrast to the laidback side of the street we were standing on.
Something inside me was telling me I belonged on the other side of the street. It felt familiar to watch them rush in and out of their respective buildings, so completely consumed with their work that they’re missing the sky directly above them.
I look up and let the sun bake on my face through the trees.
It’s invigorating and peaceful. And I wonder to myself how many times I was so preoccupied with life that I missed a view like this.
Without realizing, Benny shuts my over-analytical brain down and asks, “Is that something you needed?”
“Hmm?” I look at him.
“Do you think you needed something refreshing?” Benny stops walking and stands by my side. He’s watching me intently, his eyes flickering a shade darker as they move across my face.
“Not at first. But now that I have it, yes.” I turn to face back down the street. “It’s a good break to have for a short while.”
“Good, I’m glad you can have that while you’re here. These students might not have experienced life yet, but they can be life-giving if you let them.” There was a smile in his voice anytime he talked about the students and it warmed my heart to know these kids had this guy in their corner.
We continued walking down the street. “What about you?” I ask him.
“What about me?”
“Do you need something new?Refreshing? Life-giving?” I motion theatrically for emphasis.
He puts a finger to his chin in contemplation. “Maybe. I just don’t know what.”
“Or who?” Drawing out the “oooo”sound.
“What do you mean?” His eyes widen so much they might pop out.
Laughing I say, “You said the students could be my life-givers. Who is yours?”
“Oh.” I feel his eyes on me, I take a deep breath preparing to hear about some lady friend of his that fills his life with all these good things. About how they are perfect for each other and how she is so different from me. Making it painfully obvious I would never stand a chance.
