I slide my finger under the seal and pull it open carefully, for some reason the thought of ruining this little envelope makes me sad. I pop the envelope open and take a peek, Benny taking a deep breath as I do. I glance at him, his face is almost as white as his teeth as he holds his breath. Letting out a laugh, I break my serious concentration and almost drop the sweet package.
“You’re killing me,” Benny says on an exhale, taking the gift from my hands. “Here.” He turns my palm upward, and slides the gift gently out of the package, placing it in my hand.
There—between us—is a pack of sticky notes?
I squint at the paper then up at him. Confusion and a twinge of disappointment swarming my brain. I wasn’t sure what type of gift I was expecting but office supplies were definitely not at the top of that list. His face is ghost white as he pins his eyes on the small gray square. I examine the paper and a giggle bubbles out of me as I read the first note he wrote for me.
I can feel my chest rise and fall faster as I fan through the stack of notes. Goosebumps forming on my arms as I read each little square, each little thought Benny wants to share with me.
The smile on my face is hard to hide as I sift through each note, careful to not pull them away from their attached border. Reading through each scribbled out thought Benny has had over the last few months. Heavy indentions from erasing and rewriting are noticeable on a few. Others seem so illegible it was clear he was in a hurry.
I chuckle at his attempt to draw a picture of Frankie and look up at him, he rubs his jaw and shrugs his shoulders.
“This is so sweet.” My voice is a whisper. I try to put the notes back into the little pink envelope and focus my attention on Benny.
He stops me with his hand, I feel it shaking on top of mine. “Please finish.”
His face looks pained as he waits for me. Worry starts to creep through me as I turn my attention back to the sticky note pad.
More thoughts from our morning coffee talks, the cat daycare debacle, even a few notes from when I reluctantly led a morning faculty meeting for Emma. Just his simple words, noting even the littlest things about me. I get towards the end of the stack, just a few more pages to go until the end.
Each note I trace with the tips of my fingers, feeling the jagged indentions he left with his pen. Some notes were even in pencil, scribbles and smears confirming that these notes were not just random intrusive thoughts like mine. They were intentional, planned words. I glance back at him, his eyes pinned on the notes. I turn to the final note and choke back a cough as I read his final thought.
My words stutter as I attempt to register what he is professing to me.
True love.
Benny senses my shock and quickly diverts. “It’s just—you know the movie—that quote—” He waves his hands in a panic as I look between him and the written declaration that stands between us. He rubs his hand through his hair as he stammers, “It’s just—ugh—please don’t freak out.”
“I’m not . . . freaking out,” I hesitate.
He blows out a long breath and gently encloses my hand with his own, the stacked sticky notes wrinkling under his palm. His mouth opens and closes as he tries to speak.
“Benny . . . what are you saying?” I take a deep breath and hold it as I watch his eyes. They search my face with a sincere focus I haven’t seen from him yet.
“The truth.” My entire body releases the tension that had worked its way into my shoulders as he continues, “I’m crazy about you. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before, but I know it’s real and it's true and I don’t ever want to lose it. I don’t know if you ever want to getmarriedor anything . . .” My eyes widen, the “M”word lingering in the air like a black cloud.
I haven’t thought about marrying anyone since my last failed attempt. Had I thought about a long term—possibly forever—relationship with Benny? Of course. But it wasn’t evermarriage. Not that I’m against it, per say, rather I’m just wary of it and really don’t want to endure the crash and burn again.
“And I don’t want you to feel pressured to do something you aren’t ready for.” He levels his gaze with mine, the note pressed gently between our hands. “But I want you to know . . .” There’s a soberness to his eyes—no jokes, no banter. “You are the greatest thing to ever happen to me. And I want you to trust me when I say I will never leave you.” His bottom lip is quivering as he speaks. “But I am in love with you, Eleanor. I think I have been since the day you got here, and I wantthis, what we have, every day of my life. And I really hope you want it too.”
The lavish altar with its white rose petals and elegant floral decor flash across my mind with his words—everyone watching as I walk down the aisle holding a small bouquet of gorgeous flowers. The scene looks familiar, like deja vu, but it feels different.
“I love every part of you and I am promising you that I’m not going anywhere,” Benny continues, his hands on my shoulders now. “No matter how scary or weird you think your brain might get, I promise to be by your side and help you get through those scary things. Every single one of them.” His tone is serious, honest, and every part of me believes that he’s committing to be everything I want him to be. “You’re it for me, Eleanor.”
The altar image crosses my mind again, walking toward a man at the end of an aisle. It’s just the two of us. He’s in a dark black suit, accentuating his kind eyes as they are laser focused on me. His smile widens as I approach, sending a wave of peace washing over me. Peace coming from having found something . . . someone dear to my soul.
My soul loves this man.
I blink back to reality, focusing on him at this moment. I speak earnestly, meaning every word as I place my hands on his chest. “You’re it for me, Bayani Divata,”
Then I reach up on my tip toes and kiss him—right there in the middle of a high school parking lot. I feel happy and safe as I kiss the man I love softly and slowly, trusting we have all the time in the world together.
One Year Later
Benny
“Alright,people!It’sD-day!”
