Is this what panic feels like?
I shake my hands out and pop my knuckles, maybe this will help me stay focused. It doesn’t work so I crack my wrists in circles.
Kate reaches over and grabs my arm with a free hand, still texting like a speed demon with the other. Who is so important right now? Irritation swells inside me as I flick in the direction of her phone, she waves me off.
“Mr. Divata,” Herrera’s voice slices through me as she speaks through the microphone. Her eyes are cold towards me before she looks down and adjusts a stack of papers across the podium.
If it was possible to feel your soul leave your body, I’m pretty positive that’s what is happening to me right now. I stand up on my wobbly knees, my entire body feeling weak as I stay planted in place, facing the podium. I can’t seem to make my legs do what they were created to do,walk.
“Could you join us up here, please?” she snaps at me through the microphone. If looks could kill, the one she’s giving my powered-down body would be the one to do it.
“Yes.” My voice cracks like it did when puberty hit. Kate shoves me forward, my legs deciding to work with my brain as I walk towards the podium. My vision feels foggy, but I cansensethe eyes on me as I approach the empty space in front of the board.
“Will Ms. Bailey be joining you?” Herrera asks.
My eyes dart around the room looking for Ellie, but it’s so congested and my vision is out of focus so I can’t locate her. I’m on display as everyone watches me.
And I’malone.
Based on my lack of response, she says, “Alright then, let’s begin.” Herrera assumes Ellie isn’t coming and proceeds to read off the affidavit she presented to me a couple weeks ago.
“I am Ms. Molly Herrera, Superintendent of the Glendale Community School Board. I am here today to bring attention to the interpersonal relationship between Mr. Bayani Divata and Ms. Eleanor Bailey.”
I feel nauseous and dizzy as she continues reading off the memo. The words hitting me like bullets all over again as she says them aloud to me and the crowd watching.
Poor decision.
Disreputable.
Insubordination.
“Due to Mr. Divata’s complete disregard to school policy, we have no other choice than to recommend evaluation for termination.” The entire room gasps behind me. I look down at my shoes, avoiding eye contact with the board members as they gawk at me. A few of them whisper back and forth as they gawk at me like a little harlot.Where is my scarlet letter?
Part of me is embarrassed. Embarrassed to be up here looking like a fool who can’t seem to separate business from pleasure.
Another part of me is just getting angry. Herrera continues discussing my relationship with Ellie openly to everyone in the room. I have to bite my tongue, remind myself this isn’t the place to be a testosterone-filled chump and defend my actions.
“Since Ms. Bailey decided against joining us today” —she waits, glancing around the room. I glance behind me and still don’t see her— “we will have to proceed without—”
“I’m here!” Eleanor’s voice carries through the crowd as she pushes through people gently and apologetically, because of course, even under immense pressure she will still be the kindest person on earth.
She rushes to my side, and I force myself to resist the overwhelming desire to scoop her up and get lost in her right in the middle of this board room.
“Thank you for joining us, Ms. Bailey,” Herrera continues.
Ellie grazes my hand with her thumb. “Hey,” she whispers.
I grin down at her, disregarding the seriousness of our current situation and the eyes pinned on us. I can’t help what she brings out in me. The typical Benny would keep his composure, he would keep looking straight ahead and nod at his employee like a professional. But I’m not that Benny anymore, not with her.
I’m a smitten little boy and I want them all to see what she does to me, how happy she makes me. “Hey you,” I whisper back.
Her cheeks flush red as she smiles back.
Herrera clears her throat. “Can we focus, please?”
“Yes, ma’am,” Ellie and I say in unison.
We pull ourselves together, out the magnetic field that seems to tug every part of us to each other and refocus on the board. We get a mix of looks—irritated, bored, and even some “how adorable”whispers,as they are all watching us.
