The thought hits like a sucker punch, and I have to grip the nearest tree to stay upright. I turn to leave before I can witnessany more of their happiness, but my boot snaps a branch. The sound echoes across the water like a gunshot.
Malrik’s head lifts, silver eyes finding mine through the darkness. For a heartbeat we just stare at each other, and I see something flicker across his face—not guilt, exactly, but understanding. He knows what this costs me.
“Didn’t mean to crash the celebration,” I mutter, forcing my usual grin even though it feels like it might split my face in half.
He doesn’t answer. Doesn’t need to. We both know I’m the one who walked away.
I stumble back through the trees, chaos magic sparking erratically around me like my power’s having its own breakdown. My feet carry me to the far edge of camp, away from everyone, away from the bonds I can feel humming with contentment that isn’t mine.
I sink onto a fallen log, pressing my face into my hands.
“Well,” I tell the empty air, “that’s just fucking perfect.”
Bob drifts out of the shadows nearby, hovering at a respectful distance. His usually militant posture has softened into something that looks suspiciously like sympathy. Even Kaia’s shadows feel sorry for me now.
“Don’t look at me like that,” I warn him, but there’s no heat in it. “I knew this was coming. We all did.”
Bob flickers once—gentle, understanding—then settles into a loose guard position. Not abandoning me, but not crowding either. Somehow that makes it worse.
Because this is what I do, isn’t it? Create something beautiful and then run scared when it becomes real.
The memories come in a rush, sharp and merciless:
Standing in Malrik’s room back at the academy telling them both exactly how I felt. “I have feelings for both of you. And I’m pretty sure you both feel the same way about me.”
Pushing them to stop pretending, to acknowledge what we all knew was happening between us.
“I’m proposing we stop fighting this. All of this.”
The way Kaia had pulled me close, kissed me like I was everything she’d been waiting for.
How perfect it felt, the three of us tangled together, like we’d finally found the missing pieces of ourselves.
But what did I do after I built that beautiful thing? Ran scared the moment it became real. Started pulling away after Kaia and Aspen bonded, because watching her connect with someone else—even though I’d pushed for it—felt like swallowing glass.
“I created this,” I whisper to the darkness, my voice cracking on the words. “I brought us all together, and then I fucking ran when it mattered.”
The chaos magic around me flares brighter, responding to the rawness in my chest.
“I’m the one who made it happen, and now I’m just… watching it happen without me.”
A sob breaks free before I can stop it, followed by another. My shoulders shake as months of self-sabotage finally tear free.
“I pushed for all of us, and then I couldn’t handle it when they actually chose each other.”
The words hang in the air like an accusation. Against her, against them, against myself for being too much of a coward to stay and fight for what I’d helped create.
“You’re not sulking, are you?”
I jolt upright, chaos magic scattering like startled birds. Aspen stands at the edge of the clearing, ice-blue eyes taking in my disheveled state with characteristic directness.
“Wouldn’t dream of it,” I lie, swiping at my face. “Just enjoying some quality alone time. You know, communing with nature and all that philosophical shit.”
He doesn’t buy it for a second. Just walks over and settles beside me on the log, close enough that I can feel the cool air that perpetually surrounds him.
“You’ve been avoiding her,” he says quietly.
The words hit like a physical blow because they’re true. Every single one.
