This is why. This is why I don’t open up to people, why I don’t let them in. If they won’t hurt me, I’ll hurt them. I know she says she doesn’t care about my past or the baggage I bring with me, but I do. I won’t let my shit, and my reactions to it, break her with me.
Ipull around the back of Enzo’s to the empty parking lot. The sun is just starting to go down, the streetlights not quite on. Pulling into a space, I keep the car running.
“I think you should go,” I say to the windshield rather than to her. There is no way that I’m adding Claire coming into my shitty apartment to tonight’s list of events.
“No.”
“Claire,” I say sternly, turning to her.
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“It’s not a good time. I just…I need to figure all of this shit out.”
“Then I’ll come with you.”
“I don’t want you to come with me,” I snap back.
Her head pulls back and I see her wince just briefly before sitting up straighter, face serious.
“I’m sorry,” I sigh. “I’m just going to sleep on everything before I have to get up early for work tomorrow.”
“What happened to believing me?” she snaps back.
My mind drifts back to that night. Where she told me shewantsme, that she’s choosingme.But that is exactly why I can’t let her in. If I have any chance of keeping her, I need to shield her from this.
“I just can’t right now.” I grab the door handle and push it open in one swift motion. “Just go.”
I’m halfway to the back door of my apartment when I hear the engine shut off and her car door slam. I reach for the knob but she pulls my arm back until my hand falls into hers. I look at the ground, too embarrassed by the shitshow that is my life. Claire deserves so much better than this.
“Look at me, Jay.” When I don’t move, she says it again, stronger than I’ve ever heard her speak. “Look at me.”
I slowly meet her gaze and behind her glossy eyes, I don’t see sadness or fear or regret. I see strength.
“Wherever you are.”
I never really understood the expression,tugging on your heartstrings. I’d hear it in a movie or a book and wonder how anything can makeyou feel something so strongly. Like my “heartstrings” must just hang around limp, because I’m not quite sure I’d ever feel that connected to something. But then I met Claire, and the way that she’s looking at me now feels like my strings aren’t just attached to her, they’re anchored there, pulling me in but at the same time, holding me steady despite the current.
“Say it again,” I say, moving toward her.
“Wherever you are,” she repeats.
“Again.”
“Wherever you—”
My mouth collides with hers, one hand on her throat, the other in her hair. She hums and I feel the vibration beneath my palm. I tilt her head to me, sinking deeper into the kiss, as she slips her hands up the back of my shirt. We fall into a rhythm of sweeps and strokes until I reluctantly move one hand from her to the knob behind me. Pulling it open, I step backward over the threshold, our lips still connected. We walk like this, intertwined until we come to my door. I pull away from her just long enough to slide my keys from my pocket and into the lock.
Once we’re inside, I pull her to the bed and she straddles my lap, her legs on either side of mine. We bite and suck and tug and grind until our bodies are entangled, a web of limbs knotted together.
I roll her to her back. My teeth graze her neck as I hover above her, and she moans into my ear. Desperate for friction, she throws both legs around my back and pulls me so my lower half is flush with hers, my weight settling between us. I’m hard, she’s panting, and there’s a need here that’s palpable.
I for one, need her body, her heart, everything, all of it.Wherever you are.I feel it in my chest as sure as a second heartbeat.
Where. Ever. You. Are.
I break free from her hold and slide down to her waist. Undoing her buttons, I slide her shorts and underwear off in one strong pull. She gasps and I groan, the sight of her enough to save me alone.
I stand,stripping myself of my clothes. First my shirt, then my jeans. She mirrors me, sitting up, throwing her own shirt to the ground, a masterpiece of peaks and valleys.
