“I cannot stand this, Hannah. I cannot handle hurting you. It’s breaking my heart to see you like this.”
“Like what?” She sniffed and swiped at another tear as it slipped down her cheek. But the tears became too many, and she stopped her effort.
Noah’s eyes were rimmed in red as he took one small step closer to her. “Like I felt when Margaret refused me. Like your world just ended and you don’t know how you are going to keep going. I hate to think—” He stopped and cleared his throat. “I hate to think that I’ve caused you to feel that way. You are the one who helped me heal and move on, and to have it be me that is causing you pain?” He put a hand to his chest as his eyes filled with their own sort of pain and torment. “I cannot bear it, Hannah. I hate myself for it.”
“You did nothing wrong,” Hannah said, her throat tight. “You cannot help how I feel.”
He shook his head. “This is my fault. I should have been more aware, more careful of how my actions could have been construed. But I loved being with you, and I was selfish. You made me feel good about myself.”
She sniffed and swallowed past the lump in her throat. “Youaregood, Noah.”
His eyes stared dully at her. “No, I am not. A good man would have been more cautious. I had thought we were just friends, but I took liberties that a man should not.” And then a bitter laugh slipped out of him. “Goodness, Hannah. Look at us! We are alone on a beach at night. Of course you thought . . .” He pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes. “I am so sorry.”
Hannah attempted a breath but it kept catching until finally she was able to fully fill her lungs. “Please stop saying you are sorry.”
His head snapped up, confusion etched across his brow. “Why? I should apologize. I have done something wrong—”
“Every apology from your lips sickens me, for it is only affirmation that you do not and cannot love me.”
“I did not say—” Noah threw his hands up, turning around only to spin back toward her. He seemed to be scrambling—attempting to make sense of what had happened and utterly failing. “I just wasn’t expecting this.” He gestured between them. Then he paced the shore, his hands running through his hair until it stood in random points. “I am no different than Margaret,” he choked out as he stopped and faced her. “I’ve always wondered how she could do what she did, and I’ve gone and done the very same thing.”
“You aren’t like Margaret,” Hannah assured him, her voice hoarse. “Margaret was aware of your feelings and made you promises. You did no such thing.” And then she asked a question her heart begged to know, all the while fearing his answer. “Do you still love her?”
He took a ragged breath, shaking his head and looking up at the stars. “I don’t believe I do anymore. It’s as if my feelings are a ghost. I cannot tell if they are real or not. Or if they were ever real to begin with.” He brought his face down and locked eyes with her. “But is that enough for you?”
Her head made quick jerks as she shook it. “No. I have not shown much respect for myself up until now, but I would hope I respect myself more than that.”
“And I respect you too much for that. I would want you to be left without a doubt as to my feelings. You deserve to be loved and cherished, Hannah. You deserve someone’s entire heart. Not the mangled thing I have.”
She sniffed. “I feel like such a fool. I should not have said anything. But you had asked why mother wouldn’t let me see you anymore and I wanted you to at least know.”
Noah shook his head, coming closer and lifting his hand as if to touch her chin before thinking better of it and letting his hand fall. “You are not a fool, Hannah. I am the luckiest of men to have earned your regard. And, quite frankly, I do not know what I have done to deserve it.”
Then her walls broke, and her shoulders began to shake, tears streaming down her cheeks. She felt helpless—unable to cry in private and nurse her wounds. Being out on this beach alone with Noah made him a sole witness to her misery. In her mind, it was going to be romantic and freeing, but now it was her prison.
So she turned and sat on the sand, facing the crashing waves as she buried her face in her hands. There was no use trying to stop the tears anymore. Her impulsive behavior ruined what she had with Noah. But truly, how much longer could she have played pretend? Acting as though every touch did not ignite a fire within her, or that every sweet word he said didn’t make her heart soar. No. It had to come to an end. But she wished she had chosen a better time or place.
A warm hand wrapped around her shoulder, and a steadiness braced her up. In a moment of utter weakness and heartbreak, she let her head lay on his chest, her tears soaking his shirt. He was the one to break her heart, but she needed his comfort as well. For this was Noah. Her friend.
Chapter 21
Noahlaidawakeinhis bed most of the night. It was possible he drifted off to sleep momentarily, but much of his memory was the view of his ceiling as he replayed the moment over in his mind. He felt physically ill every time he remembered Hannah’s face after she kissed him. The look of her knowing how he felt before he even said it. How could he not have realized how she felt before? Were there clues to her feelings, and he had just not paid attention to them? For she had said from the beginning that she wasn’t looking for anything romantic. Only a friend. And he wasn’t ready to let that friendship go. Hannah meant so much to him.
Noah closed his eyes and let his mind wander. A picture formed—Hannah walking up to him with a smile on her face, the wind whipping her red hair about—and he let the moment play out as if he returned her feelings. A brush of her hand on his chest, her lips gently pressing to his . . .
And then he was rudely interrupted as a knock sounded on his door.
“Yes?” Noah practically moaned. He really needed to get some sleep.
“A note for you, sir,” Egerton’s familiar voice said through the wood.
Noah sighed and sat up, swinging his legs over the edge of his bed as he rubbed the sleep from his face. Or, rather, the lack of sleep. “You can bring it in, Egerton.”
The older man entered, depositing the paper on the night table and leaving without a word.
Noah leaned over, taking the note and unfolding it. It was a dinner invitation from his parents. Apparently they had a small surprise and wished for him to attend that evening.
The last thing Noah needed was more surprises, but he sat at his table by the window and scratched out his acceptance anyway. Perhaps it would be good to get out and be with people so his mind could focus on something other than Hannah and what he was going to do about the mess he’d made of things.
