“Dinner is ready,” my mom announced as she stood with Mikayla in her arms. “I even have a special seat for the little lady.” She gently pinched Mikayla’s cheek.
We all went to the dining room and took our seats at the table. Mikayla sat between Janiyah and me so one of us could help her eat.
My mom had food spread all over the table like it was a holiday, instead of a regular weekday. Not only did she have a special chair for Mikayla, but she also had a special plate for her that would keep her food separate. We noticed baby girl didn’t like her food to touch.
Janiyah made Mikayla’s plate, while I made hers and mine. Once everyone else had their plates made, my father blessed the food.
“How has everything been? Have you been adjusting well?” my mom asked after a few minutes passed.
“Honestly, it’s been rough,” I told them. “She’s a good baby but a lot at the same time. Everything happened so fast, and wedidn’t have time to prepare. Janiyah has been so good with her, though.” I looked over at Janiyah and gave her a slight nod.
“There is no rule book to parenting. One day, you may feel like you have everything under control; the next, you don’t know if you are coming or going,” my dad said.
“Do you think we knew everything about raising you? Or what about your dad and your grandma raising you, Janiyah? We all learned as we grew. For me, it helped having Anderson around, but it was days when we both felt lost. It’s hard to tell you the dos and don’ts because every child is different. All I can offer is to communicate with each other. When one of you is struggling, the other one has to step up,” my mom added.
I glanced Janiyah’s way again. I knew I would have to be the one to step up more since I was the one who got to get out of the house more. I didn’t have to deal with as much as Janiyah did. I needed to think of ways to help her more.
Grandma Ethel leaned forward. “And let me add this. Make time for each other but also make time for yourselves. When kids are involved, it’s easy to get caught in their lives, and you begin to not only lose your relationship but yourselves. Add those self-care days to your calendars if you have to. You can’t take care of her or each other if your cup is empty. Ask questions if you need to. We have experience.” She looked around at my parents, then at Mr. Walter. “Each one of us has raised a kid or two, so anything you may not know, don’t hesitate to ask one of us. The last thing I will add is to utilize your village. We are all here for you two and that little one. Life will get rough for her at some point, especially when she finds out about her parents. We have to rally around each other in those moments. And when all is said and done, keep God at the forefront of it all.” She reached across the table and grabbed Janiyah’s hand. “You guys are doing a great job so far, and it will continue to get better. None of us will let y’all fail.”
My parents and Mr. Walter nodded when Grandma Ethel was done. It felt good to know that we had their support.
“Thank you.” I nodded. “I’m thankful for having my wife back and for our friends trusting us with Mikayla. She has brought so much joy into our lives in such a short time.”
Janiyah looked at me with tears in her eyes.
“I’m grateful for all of you.” Janiyah dabbed her eye with a tissue.
My mom reached for Janiyah’s hand. “We are family, and we love y’all.”
We moved to lighter conversations as my mom brought out dessert. Some of the fears I had had earlier slipped away because I knew we had a great team behind us. Janiyah turned out well, even though she didn’t have her mother, and I turned out well, so it was only right that Mikayla would turn out well, too.
The day started well. Arsel and I had an early-morning quickie before he went to work. I’d made him breakfast and lunch, as well as a smoothie to take with him to work. I just knew it was going to be a good day. I was well fucked, fed, and the sun was out.
Unfortunately, the good day didn’t last long. I tried to write while Mikayla played with her toys, but at some point, she became fussy. On top of that, the sun was replaced by clouds. The clouds turned into rain and thunder, and it made my mood even worse.
“What’s the matter?” I rocked Mikayla in my arms as fat tears streamed down her face.
She just looked at me and cried even harder. I didn’t know what to do. I knew I should have called my grandmother or my mother-in-law, but I didn’t want to bother them. I wanted to do this on my own. I didn’t want to run to them every single time I didn’t know what to do.
Mikayla’s cries grew even louder, so I grabbed her favorite toy and tried to play with her, but that didn’t work. Since it was raining, we couldn’t go outside, so I just walked around the house with her. That didn’t work either. I was at my wits’ end but still wouldn’t ask for help.
I couldn’t bother Arsel while he was at work, so I had to suck it up and figure it out.
“Come on. You want to dance with me?” I rubbed Mikayla’s back with my hand and turned the music on with the other. I thought for sure her favorite song would help, but that didn’t.
Moments like this made me think of my own mother. Maybe if she were around, I could have called her to ask for advice. Maybe I would have known what to do if I had the proper guidance. My grandmother did the best she could, but she wasn’t my mother. Sometimes I wondered what was wrong with me, since my mother didn’t want me. Those thoughts lessened over the years, but at times, the thought overwhelmed me. Arsel would always tell me that nothing was wrong with me, but sometimes it was hard to believe him.
I saw my mother once when I was a teenager, and she told me she didn’t have any kids, and that shit crushed me. It was one thing for her not to be in my life, but to act like I didn’t exist was crazy. My grandmother put me in therapy because I was so depressed. I’d come across her again in my adult years, but I didn’t waste time speaking to her. She wanted to pretend she didn’t know me, so I would pretend I didn’t know her ass.
I would never treat Mikayla or my biological kids like that. They would grow up in a house full of love.
Mikayla stopped crying for a few minutes, but it didn’t last long. It had gone on for so long that she started sounding hoarse. My heart hurt from how loudly she cried and from not knowing what to do.
When the song went off, I sat back on the couch and held her against me. I thought she would get sleepy from crying, but that didn’t happen. Her eyes looked tired, but for whatever reason, she fought it. Nobody mentioned the days your child cried, and there was nothing you could do about it.
“Kayla, please. Calm down for me, momma.” I kissed the top of her head and rocked her.
Her cries had finally slowed down, but she was still very agitated. Every few minutes, she wiggled in my arms. I tried putting her on the floor with her toys, but she wasn’t interested.
