‘That’d be good. Thanks,’ I mumbled, fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall. I couldn’t cry.
Ben was clear and honest from the start. We’d had an agreement and he’d stuck to it. Well, no. Neither of us had. The lines were blurred ages ago. But the point was, we said this was temporary, so I couldn’t start balling because he was leaving, when that was his intention all along.
‘I… actually, I need to get a change of clothes. It’s a busy day today, so I’d better head back to the B&B and get ready for work.’ I jumped off the bed.
‘But you have clothes here.’ Ben’s face creased with concern.
‘Yeah, but I need something more comfortable,’ I lied as I hurriedly pulled my dress over my head. ‘I’d better go.’
‘Sarah?’ Ben called out as I rushed towards the door, desperate to leave before he saw the tears that were already streaming down my cheeks.
Once I was outside in the cool air, I started running.
And I didn’t stop until I was safely locked away in my room at the B&B.
67
BEN
‘And cut!’ Jane said as Sarah and I kissed.
I knew Jane had stopped filming the last video we were making for social media on my bed, so we didn’t need to keep going, but I didn’t want to stop.
Even if I kissed Sarah for days, it could never be enough.
Jane cleared her throat, then I think she said something about leaving, but I didn’t bother to look because I was busy crushing my lips onto Sarah’s.
This could be the last time I kissed her, so I had to make it count.
My chest tightened.
The look on her face when she got up to leave earlier would haunt me forever. Especially when I saw the tears in her eyes.
I didn’t want to hurt her, but like I said, it was better that we had a clean break and ended things now, just like we’d agreed.
Thanks to some major miracle, I’d managed to keep Sarah’s interest for a couple of months, but she’d soon get tired of me. Especially when her writing career took off.
The truth was that I was dangerously close to falling in love with her and I couldn’t go through that heartbreak again.
Last time I’d attempted to cope by drinking and partying too much and sleeping with too many women. But now that I’d worked so hard to be healthy, I wasn’t going to put my body through that shit again.
And there was no way I could eventhinkabout being intimate with anyone else. Not now that I knew how it felt to be with Sarah. She’d ruined me. No other woman was ever going to be able to compare.
Maybe I should sign up to a monastery once I’d finished travelling. If I couldn’t have Sarah, I didn’t want anyone.
Maybe we could try?
No.
The risk was too high. I had to stick to my guns. It was over.
Sarah pulled away and frowned.
I wanted to ask why she’d stopped the kiss, but I realised that I had no right. Maybe she’d sensed I was distracted. It was hard to focus with all of these thoughts swimming around my head.
Anyway, it was for the best. If we carried on, we might end up making love again and that’d just make everything even harder.
I cringed as I realised I’d just thought about usmaking love.
