Frederick nods.
“There’s more.” I need to be honest about what’s going on recently. “She thinks once she gives herself to me, I’ll leave—that our relationship is nothing more than a game because I won’t allow myself to love anyone.”
“And why don’t you love her, Connor?” His chair creaks as he leans back, and a shadow of a smile plays at his lips.
He acts as though he understands what I can’t, putting me at odds with myself. He’s listened to my beliefs about love for years, but that doesn’t stop him from routinely asking more.
“People relate love to insects fluttering inside their digestive system. I’ve never had that affliction.”
He cracks a smile. “It’s a metaphor.”
“I know what a metaphor is, Rick.”
“Then stop being a smartass and so will I.”
I straighten in my chair, becoming more serious. “I’ve seen the kind of love that cripples. Take Loren Hale and Lily Calloway—when one is shot with an emotion, the other feels it. If you stripped one from the other, they’d be less than themselves. If that’s love, I want no part of it.” I want to bewhole. I want to be the best possible version of myself without the chance of being wounded or broken.
“Can you empathize with Rose?” he asks me.
“Yes, but love is a weakness that I won’t submit to.”
“Sometimes you can’t control everything, Connor,” he tells me. “Even as intelligent as you are, there are things out of your grasp. Love, death—you can’t predict either. They just happen.”
“And you believe it’s already happened?” I refuse this outcome. It’s not computable.
“Why are you with her?”
“Attraction.”
“And?”
“Affection.”
“What else?”
“Amusement—these are just words, Frederick.”
“Love is just a word.”
“I can’t love her,” I tell him definitively as I stand and pocket my phone.
He stays seated, and yet, I feel as though he has the advantage on me. He still sees what I can’t. “And why is that?”
“Smart people do stupid things when they’re in love. I’ve yet to do something inane.”
Frederick grins. “Give it time.”
I suppress the urge to roll my eyes. I wave him off and head to the door. “See you next week.”
“I’m looking forward to it.”
“Of course you are,” I say back. “You get to hear about me spanking my girlfriend.”
“Get out of my office, Connor.” He returns to his papers, but his grin grows wider and wider until I leave.
I stopby the liquor store after my session with Frederick, and it’s late when I arrive home. The lights are off in the livingroom, and I don’t hear Lily or Lo’s climaxes through the walls.
When I reach the second level, I stop by my door, not about to knock. I haven’t been that courteous since we moved in together. There are some barriers that I choose to destroy for her.
