It was a punch in the stomach, but one that wasn’t wholly undeserved. That made it all the worse.
‘I get that.’ Lorelai ignored her breaking heart. ‘I really do, and you’re right, but that doesn’t change what I have to say.’
‘I’m sorry but I don’t want to hear it.’ He paused to take a breath and Lorelai heard the emotion rattle through it. ‘You hurt me. I know that sounds stupid because we haven’t known each other for long, but I really liked you. I felt… connected to you. I thought you felt the same, but you kept running away. Literally. It was humiliating and I’m just not the sort of person who’s going to waste time chasing after someone who clearly doesn’t want to be chased so… goodbye, Lorelai.’
Lorelai jumped to her feet as if she could run after him. As if the urgency in her physical movements might make him stay. ‘No wait! Wait! Grayson!’
But he was gone.
‘No, Grayson, no!’
She collapsed onto her bed, feeling as though she was shattering into a million pieces. She had been so close. She’d had him on the phone, talking to her, and she’d failed to make him listen. Failed to save him. She should have just blurted it out. Talked over him. Yelled something that would grab his attention. If she had yelled, ‘YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!’ he would have had to listen to her. He wouldn’t ignore something like that.
She snatched up her phone and tried calling Grayson again and again but it went straight to voicemail each time. He had turned off his phone, not wanting to hear from her anymore. Not wantingher.The sting of rejection cut through her, but more than that was the panic and helplessness. This was so much bigger than her hurt feelings.
There was a gentle tap on the door. When Lorelai didn’t answer, her mother opened the door and walked in. She looked at her daughter, a concerned look on her face. ‘What happened?’ she asked gently.
Lorelai shook her head, her head hanging low.
‘Come on. We don’t bottle things up anymore, you and I. Spill.’ Her mother sat next to her on the bed, and pulled her into her arms.
‘Grayson just called. From New York.’
‘He made it there? That’s good news,’ Lila said slowly, knowing she didn’t have the full story yet. The penny dropped a second later. ‘Ah. It’s the way back you’re worried about.’
‘Exactly. But he doesn’t want to continue—’ Lorelai waved her hands about meaninglessly ‘—whatever we were. He wouldn’t even listen to me. He was so hurt that he wouldn’t let me talk. I didn’t have the chance to tell him not to get on the plane home.I should’ve tried – whateveritwas. We barely got started, so why does this feel so… horrible?’
Lorelai leaned against her mother, finding comfort in her embrace. How strange this new closeness was, but it was a good strange.
‘Because youfeltsomething, Lorelai. That’s why it hurts. It doesn’t matter if you don’t have a label for what it was because he made you feel something you haven’t felt before. That’s worth fighting for.’
‘How? How can I fight for something he’s already given up on? And he won’t listen to me! He’s turned his phone off, so how can I tell him he’s going to die on the way home?’ It was all so helpless. Grayson was going to die and there was nothing she could do about it.
‘You’ve got savings, haven’t you?’ her mother asked.
‘Savings? Yeah, of course. Why?’
‘If he won’t listen to you over the phone, sweetie, you’re going to have to go to him.Makehim listen. Even if he wants nothing more to do with you, that doesn’t mean you can’t still help him.’
The air stilled around Lorelai, and time stopped. She pulled away from her mother so she could look her in the face.
‘Are you suggesting I get on a plane and fly to New York to warn Grayson he might die? That I run around one of the busiest cities in the world to find a man who wants nothing more to do with me, and convince him I’m not just some crazy person and I actually am trying to save his life?’
Lila dropped her voice to a conspiratorial whisper. ‘That is exactly what I’m suggesting.’
The television was on, but Lila couldn’t focus on anything other than her protruding belly. David laughed at the screen and nudged her arm at which she smiled but nothing could take her mind off the life inside her, the baby who was due to arrive any day.
Will she be like me?she wondered.Please don’t be like me.
Lila pressed her palms against her bump and willed her wishes to come true, hoping her daughter could feel them. Lila wasn’t a religious person, but she hoped if someone was up there listening, that they would heed her prayer and protect her daughter from this monstrous curse. Lila loved her husband dearly, but she lived in constant fear of him or anyone else discovering her secret, of finding out she wasn’t who she said she was. From the outside, Lila’s life looked idyllic. She was happily married, with a baby on the way, and she lived a full life with her friends. On paper, it was perfect. The truth, though, was that Lila was crushed by her secret every single day, and she struggled to hide the monster she knew she was. And now she had a new fear; if her child ended up with the same curse, would Lila think her a monster too?
For her entire pregnancy, Lila had fretted over what she would feel when the baby came. During her labour, all that matteredto Lila was bringing her daughter into the world safely, but once Lorelai was born, Lila distanced herself from her new-born. David had swept Lorelai into his arms, instantly in love, assuming his wife would come around soon.
Once home, Lila cried herself to sleep each night, still not able to bring herself to look at her daughter. One night, when Lorelai was a few weeks old, Lila was awoken in the night by a peculiar feeling. She listened out but all she heard was David’s soft snoring – Lorelai wasn’t crying. Lila climbed out of bed and softly padded over to where her baby daughter slept. Lila leaned over the crib and saw that little Lorelai was wide awake. She was staring at the mobile of stars and clouds that dangled above her, and in the inky darkness of that night, Lila finally looked in her daughter’s eyes. The wave of love that crashed down all around her almost knocked her off her feet. Suddenly, she was certain of one single thing: her daughter was not and, never would be, a monster, and she would love and protect her fiercely until her final breath.
Twenty-Eight
Lorelai was a jittery mess. She had only taken one flight in her life, a family holiday to Spain when she was eleven, but it wasn’t her inexperience of flying that was making her anxious. Had shereallyjust boarded a flight to New York? Had she really agreed to let her parents loan her the money for the trip? The plane doors were about to close so Lorelai pulled out her phone and fired off a couple of quick messages.
