‘He’s not mine to save,’ Lorelai said sadly.
Lila pursed her lips. ‘Of course he is! You love him. Surely that means you want him to live, whether you end up with him or not?’
‘Of course I want him to live! I’m just saying that… what if he’s not meant to? What if him dying is part of some bigger plan that we don’t know? If I saved him, does that mean I’m sentencing someone else to the fate he was meant to have?’
‘Sweetheart, breathe. If I had all the answers, I would tell you. Unfortunately, I don’t. And we can’t see the whole future. We see a tiny sliver of it. Who knows what might happen?’ Lila swirled the remains of her tea, staring into the bottom of her mug. ‘Look, I just don’t believe there are rules or regulations. There’s no governing body for what we can do. You’re not going to go to a supernatural jail for helping someone in need and we don’t know for certain if someone else would have to take his place. So maybe it shouldn’t be your responsibility to worry about that? Maybe you should just focus on the good you can do with your gift, with the knowledge you do have, instead of the bad?’ Lila reached out and smoothed Lorelai’s hair out of her eyes, tucking it behind her ear.
Lorelai felt a swell of hope rise within her. Could she reallyhelp someone without there being a price to pay? If that was the case, Lorelai could be the hero Joanie had always told her she could be. If that were the case…
‘I can’t stop the plane from going up in flames but… oh my god… I can stop Grayson from getting on that plane in the first place. Oh my god, oh my GOD!’ Lorelai’s heart was pounding, the sound deafening in her ears. ‘I can save him.’ She was up from her chair in one swift moment, her entire being fizzing with energy.
‘Oh, darling. He dies in a plane crash?’ her mother asked.
‘Yes, but he doesn’t have to, does he?’
A part of her still felt that she needed permission from someone, anyone, to say that it was acceptable for her to do what she was about to do. And how wonderful that person turned out to be her own mother. She finally had someone who truly understood her, and what it felt like to be trapped in a place of dark uncertainty with no one to turn to, and no answers about what it all meant. She wasn’t alone anymore.
‘No, sweetheart. I don’t think he does. You have the power to do something good. And even if there were rules—’ Lila straightened her spine and looked her daughter in the eye, dropping her voice to a wry whisper ‘—as your mother I’d be encouraging you to break them anyway.’
Twenty-Seven
Lorelai raced up to her room and swiped her phone up off her bedside table. She had barely looked at it since she’d been home. She scrolled frantically until she landed on Grayson’s number.
‘Please pick up. Please pick up,’ she pleaded as she waited for him to answer, each ring another dagger to her heart. Lorelai’s eyes darted to the clock as her call rang out and went to voicemail. It was two o’clock in the morning.
‘Hey, Grayson. It’s Lorelai. I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to call and I know I said this before, but I mean it this time… I can explain. Please give me a chance to explain. I’ve been doing some deep soul-searching and… just call me. As soon as you get this. Don’t wait. Please. Call me back.’
Lorelai pulled the phone away from her ear and noticed the little red bubble next to the phone icon. There were so many missed calls. She had been so desperate to call Grayson, that she hadn’t noticed them until now. She swiped across. Eleven were from Grayson, most of which were from the night they had kissed. The rest were from Joanie. She swiped back again to voicemail. There was only one from Grayson. She hadn’t listened to it. She’d left her phone untouched while she’d been home,insistent on shutting the world out for a while. She tapped play on Grayson’s voicemail and listened to every word breathlessly.
‘I’ll respect your privacy and I won’t call again. I’m going out of the country in two weeks so… your move, Lorelai.’
‘Oh my god,’ she whispered.He’s going out of the country in two weeks.She checked the date of the voicemail. Grayson had left it a week and six days ago. ‘Ohmygodohmygodohmygod.’
Grayson had looked young in her vision but it hadn’t crossed her mind that his death was only two weeks away. She thought she had more time. She’d been moping around all this time, when she could have been planning how to save him. Lorelai quickly swiped back to her contacts and feverishly dialled Joanie.
‘Come on, come on, come on!’ she muttered, the panic beginning to reach fever pitch.
‘Lollie?’ Joanie’s voice sounded muffled and groggy.
‘JOANIE! Thank god! I need you to—’
‘Oh my god, Lorelai!’ Joanie exclaimed, becoming more alert. ‘It’s so good to hear your voice. You’ve been MIA for almost two weeks! I was starting to think I was never going to hear from you again.’ Joanie’s voice cracked and Lorelai felt a stab of guilt.
‘We both knew I was always going to call. I just needed a bit of time.’ Lorelai tried to keep her voice steady but she felt like she was about to explode.
‘I know. I just… I worried, OK?’
Lorelai heard the rustle of Joanie’s bedsheets and the click of her bedside lamp.
‘I get it, I do, but I just need you to listen to me for a second—’
‘No, no, let me say something.’
‘But Joanie, I—’
‘I’m so sorry, Lollie.’
‘I know, Joanie. We can talk about this later but right now—’
