‘Will you stop full-naming me?’
‘Not until you give me a reason. Why didn’t you go after Grayson?’
‘I’m tired! OK! I’m tired.’ Lorelai sank to the floor until she was sitting, her back against the door.
‘You’re tired? You’retired?!’ Joanie was yelling now. Lorelai tried to shush her but nothing would stop Joanie now. ‘Tired isn’t an excuse! If you’re tired, have a nap! Being tired does not justify throwing away your future happiness.’
‘And I’m scared,’ Lorelai mumbled.
‘Oh boo-fucking-hoo, Lorelai.’ Joanie’s words were a slap in the face. She had never spoken to Lorelai like this before, but she’d had enough of watching Lorelai be her own biggest barrier. ‘Poor Lorelai who has fallen for someone who actually likes her back! It’s what most people dream of finding, but here you are, running away. Again. I’ve watched you back away, time after time, not just from romance but from your own parents! Your mum is desperate to speak to you. She calls the flat every week because you never answer your phone and I end up talking to her for an hour, filling her in onyourlife.’
Joanie’s face was pink and, despite the fact that Lorelai was crying, she wasn’t going to stop until she had said everything she had to say.
‘People have been trying to reach out to you for years and you keep pushing everyone away. You’re making yourself miserable. Can’t you see that? You’re not happy and you know you’re not happy but you’re letting the fear take over. Life is scary, Lorelai. For everyone. Not just you. Everyone deals with fear on a daily basis, but do you know which fear is the scariest of all? The fear of the unknown. Of not knowing what’s coming next. But youdo know what’s coming next, and you have the power to do something with that knowledge, but you keep pushing that away too. So you know what, Lorelai? It’s time for you to deal with it.’
Lorelai expected Joanie to push her out of the way. To storm off and not speak to her until she had calmed down. She did not expect Joanie to plant her hands either side of Lorelai’s face and pull her in for a kiss. The shock of it momentarily forced her mind into a dark abyss where she could see nothing at all. When she tried to open her eyes, the darkness deepened. Lorelai couldn’t find the light. And then she heard a voice. A voice she instantly recognised as her own. It was frail and quiet, full of trepidation, but undoubtedly her voice.
‘Do you know me?’ Lorelai heard her voice say. ‘Joanie. Do you recognise me?’
The black abyss began to lift and the images came into focus. Joanie was lying in a bed, with three or four pillows behind her head so she was almost completely upright. Her skin was grey and sallow, and she was an old woman now. It was then that Lorelai realised she was seeing Joanie through her own, aged eyes. She wasn’t an observer of this scene; she wasinthe scene. She and Joanie were still together. Still by each other’s side. Joanie looked at Lorelai with glassy eyes.
‘I’m sorry, Lorelai. Joanie may not recognise you but I’m sure she loves that you’re here.’
Lorelai’s older eyes turned to take in the room. Six other people were there, their focus on Joanie. She looked at the two young children on the lap of a woman, who looked to be in her thirties. She was smiling as she wept. No one seemed to carry the desperate sadness Lorelai associated with death. Instead,Lorelai couldfeeltheir love for Joanie and it filled the room. Young Lorelai didn’t recognise anyone in the room but she could feel the warmth her older self held for them. She would come to know them, she realised, and they would become important to her. She felt a hand touch hers. She looked down as Joanie interlaced her fingers with her own. Lorelai began to cry but she didn’t know if those tears belonged to old or young Lorelai; she couldn’t tell in that moment. All she cared about was Joanie. She looked up from their hands to find Joanie staring at her, as though she wasseeingLorelai for the first time.
‘Lollie,’ she whispered, her voice croaking.
‘I’m here,’ Lorelai sobbed.
‘You never needed to worry.’ Joanie paused to cough. ‘Don’t be scared, Lollie. It’s all going to be just fine.’ She closed her eyes.
Lorelai felt the life slipping out of her friend but Joanie wasn’t done yet.
‘Go to Grayson. I know you’re listening, you silly git. Go to Grayson.’ Joanie smiled her last smile and then she was gone.
‘What did she say?’ one of the men in the room asked.
‘I think she said go with God?’ said the woman with the children.
‘No.’ Lorelai’s laugh caught in her throat as she stroked her friend’s lifeless hand with her thumb. ‘It was a message for me because she knows I’m listening. Well, she knows that I was listening a very long time ago.’
Lorelai felt Joanie’s lips release hers, but she needed a few seconds before she opened her eyes.
‘Hopefully, that’ll teach you that you’re strong enough to—’ ‘Joanie, shut up.’ Lorelai still couldn’t open her eyes so sheopened her arms instead and reached out, hoping that Joanie would come to her. She did.
‘Everything OK?’ Joanie’s voice softened when she felt how hard Lorelai was clinging to her.
‘Yes, everything’s OK. At least… I think it will be.’
Twenty
Lorelai was running. It had been several hours since she’d seen Grayson but she hoped he would be at work by now. The problem was that she didn’t recall which theatre he worked in. Did he ever say? She was sure he had but she couldn’t remember.
She pushed past tourists posing for photos. It was unlikely that Grayson would be in the crowds but that didn’t stop her scouring every face. Up ahead she saw one of the theatres on Shaftesbury Avenue towering above her. She’d never be lucky enough to find him working in the first one she came to. How would she even go about figuring out which one he might be in? A queue was forming outside the theatre. Was it nearing showtime already? She’d whiled away so much of the day fretting and feeling sorry for herself.
Joanie was right: Lorelai’s comfort zone was self-pity. She felt comfortable wallowing in her own misery because the alternative – to face her situation head on and try to change it – terrified her. The fear of the unknown was paralysing and so she had done nothing about it. It was only recently that she had tried to learn more about herself and what she could do. She had spent so long ignoring it, trying to be ‘normal’, whatever that meant, and wondering why it had never truly worked. Lorelai was a hopeless romantic, alwayshad been, and she was finally admitting to herself what had been missing all these years. She wanted to be loved and she had so much love to give to someone else. She needed to be touched and held and… kissed.
She had become a master at suppressing all her urges but Grayson was changing everything. Suppressing them was becoming impossible and all these feelings she had tried to push away were fighting their way to the surface. It was overwhelming, unbearable, and exhilarating. Enough was enough. Lorelai was ready to let herself feel it all – thanks to some not-so-gentle pushing from Joanie. Lorelai didn’t know how she was going to deal with the physical and emotional fallout of giving in to her deepening affection for Grayson, but she was ready to try, whatever that ended up meaning. Especially if it meant Grayson would be with her through it all. Lorelai was formulating a plan as she quick-marched across the road.
