‘But he was going to kiss you, and you said no?’
Lorelai nodded.
‘What happened then?’ Joanie asked.
‘Nothing.’
‘No, I mean what happened when you said no?’
‘Yeah, nothing.’
‘OK, I need more detail.’ Joanie gently turned Lorelai to face her and guided her back over to the sofa.
‘Nothing happened. I didn’t say no. If anything, I said yes.’ Lorelai paused and Joanie waited patiently for more but whenLorelai didn’t continue, Joanie prodded her hard. ‘OK! We were saying goodbye at Trafalgar Square and there was amoment, and I leaned in. So he closed his eyes and leaned in to kiss me… and I panicked and just walked away. Well, I ran away, actually.’ Another silence but this time Lorelai wished Joanie would say something. Joanie not saying anything was never a good sign.
‘Wait a second. I need to process this. You were saying goodbye…’
‘Yeah.’
‘You gave him the green light, he closed his eyes and leaned in for a kiss…’
Lorelai nodded miserably.
‘And by the time he opened his eyes you’d evaporated into thin air.’
‘It sounds horrible when you put it like that,’ Lorelai mumbled.
‘Wow.’ Joanie was at a loss for words and Lorelai’s stomach dropped. Joaniealwayshad something to say.
‘I really am the worst,’ Lorelai said sadly.
‘You’re not the worst you’re just… in unchartered territory. But you’re going to have to call him.’
‘I can’t!’ Lorelai wailed.
‘Lorelai, even if you don’t want to see him again, the decent thing to do is to call him and explain that the reason you ran away is because you’re new to this and you panicked. He’s a nice guy! He’ll understand! If it had got to the point of a goodbye kiss, then I’m guessing you had a nice time up until that point. And if you leaned in first—’ Joanie held up a hand to stop Lorelai from speaking ‘—which is totally fine, by the way, you giving into your feelings is OK, you know? Anyway, if you leaned in firstthen he may have thought that a kiss is what you would have liked, too.’
‘It is what I would have liked,’ Lorelai admitted. ‘More than anything. I spent the whole time trying to push my feelings away, but I couldn’t carry on doing it. I felt like a regular girl spending time with a regular boy, and I didn’t want that feeling to end. The more time I spend with him, the more I like him, and the more terrifying this all becomes. I don’t think I’m ready to handle this kind of thing.’
Lorelai remembered how she’d felt sitting next to Grayson by the fountains, the easy way they’d talked for hours, the feel of his hand touching hers. She had got carried away and she’d been a fool to lead him on. He had responded to her invitation and then as soon as the moment had arrived, she’d run. Literally and figuratively. Lorelai knew deep down that her abstinence from romantic interaction wasn’t strength. It wasn’t a choice she had made because she thought it was for the best. It was a choice she had made because she thought it would be easier. Less traumatic, messy and complicated. The truth of the matter was simple. Lorelai was scared. She always had been and now she knew she always would be. At a moment when a whole new chapter of her life could have begun, just when she thought maybe she was ready, she proved to herself she was a coward. Lorelai covered her face with her hands and began to sob. She felt like the tears may never stop.
‘Oh, Lollie.’ Joanie wrapped her arms around her, and Lorelai sank into her, her heart breaking. ‘I know it’s a lot to handle,’ she said quietly. ‘I can’t pretend to understand what this is like for you, or know how it feels to meet someone whomakes you rethink your life choices. But Grayson is a good guy and it’s not fair to play games with him.’
‘I’m not playing games.’ Lorelai tried to pull away from Joanie but she held her tight.
‘I know you don’t mean to mess him around. That’s not who you are. You know what’s right for you and how you to deal with this situation in a way that protects you and your heart. But from his perspective, he’s just a guy… standing in front of a girl… asking him to love her…’ Lorelai smiled at theNotting Hillreference. ‘Seriously, though, he likes you and he must be so confused right now. You need to have a think and make some decisions. If you think you can’t handle a relationship because it would be too painful then you need to figure out whether you can just be friends. And if you don’t think you can be just friends because of how you feel about him, then you need to let him go.’
Lorelai’s face crumpled. ‘Is there another option?’ she asked quietly.
‘There is, but I don’t think you’re going to like it.’
‘What is it?’
‘The other option is to go for it – start a relationship with Grayson. All relationships are complicated and messy, period. Sometimes the best thing to do is just surrender to it and enjoy the ride.’
They sat there together, arms around each other, for a few minutes and Lorelai found comfort in the silence.
‘You know,’ Joanie said tentatively, ‘you could always tell him. About your secret. That would make things simpler. If he knew what you were going through, he might be able to help. Offer a different perspective.’
