‘Really?’
‘Yeah. I need to sort through some things and I need a bit of headspace,’ she explained. She knew her words were hollow and weak, but couldn’t see what else she could say beyond these platitudes.
Grayson was quiet for a moment and then said, ‘OK, no worries.’
Lorelai had expected some pushback, for him to try to change her mind but he’d accepted her excuse without question. Suddenly, she wondered if maybe she’d got the wrong idea. Buthe’dcalledher,hadn’t he? Or was he just being polite?Stop overthinking and say something!
‘Thanks for understanding,’ she said, as neutrally as she could manage.
‘Sorry, that sounded like I’m not disappointed. I am. I really wanted to see you but I get it. You’re a busy woman. As you should be.’
Lorelai could hear the smile in his voice and was instantly relieved. He was teasing her.
‘It’s not that! Please don’t think I’m the sort of person who can’t make any time for anyone. It’s just a lot has been going on here. Ask Joanie, she’ll vouch for me.’ Lorelai held the phone in Joanie’s direction.
‘She’s telling the truth, lover boy!’ Joanie yelled.
‘See?’ Lorelai said.
Grayson chuckled. ‘I believe you. You don’t have to prove anything to me.’
‘I know. I just wanted to see you too.’
Shehadwanted to see him. She wanted to be close to him again, to hear his voice, and watch his eyes crinkle when he laughed. There was no getting away from how he made her feel. Grayson was different. He stirred something inside her, something she’d kept pushed down since Michael. But even this felt different to what she’d felt for Michael. She was entirely unable to control how Grayson made her feel.
‘Another time.’ His voice dropped a little, and Lorelai could tell he wasn’t angry with her. ‘Let me leave my number and you can call me.’
Lorelai jotted his number down and said, ‘Thanks, Grayson. Bye now.’
‘Bye now?’ Joanie yelped once Lorelai had hung up. ‘Bye now?!’
Lorelai shook her head and waited a beat before she spoke. Once she had said these words aloud, Joanie wouldn’t let her go back on them. ‘I really like Grayson. This brunch thing we’re meant to be going on… we said we’d go as friends but I’m not sure I want that with him.’
‘Whatdoyou want with him?’ Joanie asked carefully, knowing not to push too hard.
‘I don’t know, but friends doesn’t feel like enough.’ Joanie squeaked with excitement at Lorelai’s admission. ‘I know. I don’t know what I’m doing and this might be a huge mistake but things have changed, and I can’t move forward with Grayson until I know what’s going on with me. And I refuse to let Grayson be my guinea pig.’
‘I get that. So, who will be your guinea pig?’ Joanie grabbed a handful of popcorn from the machine and began to munch.
‘Well, if we think we’ve established that I’m not going to actually kill anyone by kissing them, then let’s go out this weekend. I think I’ll need to kiss more than one person to test out our theory, so the drunker everyone is, the less likely someone will notice how strangely I’m behaving.’
‘Oh man.’ Joanie grinned from ear to ear. ‘This is going to be so good. Going out with you is always fun but this will be the first time you’ve properly let loose.’
‘You know what, Joanie?’ Lorelai smiled back at her friend. ‘I’m looking forward to it.’
For the most part, Lorelai had found it relatively easy to shut off her feelings when it came to relationships but that didn’t mean there hadn’t been moments when she’d found it difficult. Joanie and Lorelai enjoyed their nights out together, but this sometimes led to Lorelai finding herself entangled in unwanted situations with men who were pushy or who didn’t like hearing, ‘No.’ Some took every sway of the hips, every polite smile and every glance in their direction as an invitation. Other times, Lorelai found herself being reckless. Dancing close to the line, without crossing it, before backing off when something inside her jolted her sober. It was a constant tug-of-war, and all she wanted was to be normal.
One particular Valentine’s night, the urge to be ‘normal’ was overwhelming. She drank too many cocktails, sang loudly to songs she didn’t know the words to and danced with anyone who would let her. She quickly picked up the attention of a handsome man who had the kind of bone structure you only see on red carpets. His face swam in and out of her blurry vision as they moved together to a bass-heavy beat. She felt his hands curl round her waist and she let herself sink further towards him.
Be normal. Be normal. I just want to feel normal.
He began to move more slowly and she followed suit, intertwined in between all the other writhing bodies. Lorelai’s heart beat loudly in her ears, drowning out the music. Her head was spinning, and as he dropped his head, his eyes on her lips, everything around Lorelai fell away.
What are you doing? You’re not ready for this! You can’t handle what you’re about to see! Get out of here! Don’t let him kiss you! DON’T LET HIM KISS YOU!
Lorelai pushed away from him, gently at first and then more forcefully as his grip around her waist tightened. He let go abruptly and she knocked into someone dancing behind her.
‘What the—’ the woman said, annoyed, and then stopped when she saw the panicked look on Lorelai’s face. ‘Are you alright?’ She reached out to steady Lorelai.
