Ten
Telling Joanie her secret had been entirely unplanned. Lorelai would have taken it to her grave had it not been for Joanie being unbelievably nosy on a morning when Lorelai felt too tired to make excuses. There were only so many nights out you could have with someone before they started to notice your complete disinterest in anyone, ever, and began to ask questions.
‘OK, OK. Don’t be cross with me but… Ineedto know,’ Joanie said one morning about six months after they had met. Lorelai adored Joanie more than any friend she’d ever had but her heart momentarily stopped, praying what she thought was coming next, wasn’t. ‘You can tell me to sod off because it’s really none of my business but know that if you don’t answer I will become insufferable,’ Joanie said, adjusting her position so she was sitting back on her knees.
‘Noted.’ Lorelai swallowed a mouthful of her hot tea.
‘How is it that you’re single?’ Joanie said quickly, and then covered most of her face with the hood of her dressing gown, only her wide eyes visible.
Lorelai felt a wave of heat rush up her body but she pulledas much fabric of her own dressing gown around her, hoping it would protect her from this conversation.
When Lorelai didn’t say anything, Joanie spoke again. ‘Seriously, you could make a killing!’
Lorelai flinched. Joanie’s choice of words would have been insensitive had she known Lorelai’s secret.
‘I’ve seen a fair few people try their luck with you over the last few months and most of the time there’s been nothing on your end. You’ve sent them all packing. Or do you do everything secretly? Have you been having all your cheeky kisses in the toilets where I can’t see?’
‘Don’t be daft.’ Lorelai was blushing and she knew it.
‘Babe, whoever you are, own it. Take it from someone who was closeted until the age of twenty. It wasagonypretending thePretty Womanposter in my bedroom was there because I loved Richard Gere and not Julia Roberts.’
‘I’m just not interested in seeing anyone right now,’ Lorelai said eventually.
This wasn’t the first time she’d had this conversation. Every time her well-meaning mother called, it usually ended in a short and awkward argument that Lorelai would shut down by saying she wanted to live a bit more before she thought about settling down. She’d often heard Lila say she’d wished she’d seen more of the world and ticked off a few more things on her bucket list before she’d got married. Playing on that lost dream of her mother’s felt a bit manipulative but if it meant feeling less guilty about never giving her parents grandchildren then it was a necessary evil. She’d thought about telling her parents the truth. They’d attempted to pry once or twice but everytime she thought about broaching the subject she felt instantly exhausted. She knew just how much it would take to explain and it was an ordeal she’d never been able to gear herself up to go through. The one person who might have understood was her grandma, but she’d left it far too late and had missed her chance. The thought of having that conversation with her parents stirred up all kinds of troubling feelings, so it was best to just avoid the entire idea altogether to save a lot of unnecessary pain. Especially when a positive outcome wasn’t guaranteed. After bringing someone into the world, raising them and watching them grow, they must’ve thought they knew all there was to know about their daughter. They had no idea she was a harbinger of death.
‘No, it’s more than that,’ Joanie continued. ‘I’ve seen the way you flirt with people a couple of times.’ She narrowed her eyes, her cogs visibly turning. ‘There’s interest there. You just never act on it.’
‘Please can we not talk about this right now? My head is splitting,’ said Lorelai, changing tack. What would it take to make Joanie back off?
Joanie’s voice became gentle. ‘Lorelai, you can trust me. Whatever it is I swear I won’t tell another soul. I just think… secrets can make you lonely.’
Ouch. Joanie’s words made the weight of Lorelai’s secret bear down on her harder.
‘And the last thing I’d want is to think you were struggling with something on your own. Because you’re not. On your own, I mean. At least, you don’t have to be.’ Joanie’s eyes shone with concern.
Lorelai had never told a soul yet somehow she could feel the confession creeping its way to the tip of her tongue. Why did shefeel she could trust Joanie? What was it that made her want so much to tell her? Why had she attached herself to Joanie in the first place? Then she remembered. Wesley had never found out that Riggs was to blame for the cinema being burgled the day he’d forgotten to lock up. He never found out because the CCTV tapes from before the robbery hadmysteriouslybeen erased. One person had been sent to check the CCTV cameras and only one person could have tampered with them: Joanie. She could easily have got Riggs fired. She had every right and every reason to throw Riggs under the bus, but she’d known that if Wesley saw that footage it could have resulted in more than a firing. Wesley’s visible disappointment in his son would’ve been soul-destroying for Riggs, and Joanie just didn’t have the heart to be the person to do that to him. She’d given Riggs a second chance, and that was why he’d been on thin ice with Joanie ever since. Joanie’s kindness towards even those she didn’t like very much reminded Lorelai of her grandma and she wondered if that’s why she felt so inclined to trust her. Joanie was almost a second chance at confiding in the person she’d thought would best understand.
Lorelai let her head fall back onto the sofa, knowing full well that this was it. This was the moment when she was finally going to tell someone her secret. If Joanie heard her out and accepted her as she was, Lorelai might not have to live such a lonely life after all. If Joanie ran screaming from the flat, Lorelai would know once and for all that she couldn’t trust anyone with her truth. Either way, it was time.
‘It’s going to sound insane,’ Lorelai said, rubbing her stinging eyes.
‘Insane is so much more fun than whatever’s on the telly orthe news. So would you just tell me?! I’m about to explode from the suspense.’ Joanie bounced on the sofa, causing Nora to slide out from underneath it, hiss and run off towards their bedrooms.
Lorelai breathed in and out slowly, wondering how to begin.
‘I haven’t kissed anyone since I was eighteen,’ she said quietly.
Joanie’s shoulders sank. ‘Is that it? That’s not a big deal at all! I half expected there to be a dead body under your bed and you needed help getting rid of it. At leasttryto shock me.’
Lorelai knew Joanie was playing a game and she hated that it was working. Now there was a part of her that wanted to see how far she could push it before Joanie went quiet with shock. ‘The reason I haven’t kissed anyone in that long is because when I do… I see how that person is going to die.’
There it was. That moment of silence. Lorelai held her breath.
Joanie didn’t say anything. She stared at Lorelai, her expression unreadable. Lorelai began to panic because the silence didn’t end. She’d never known Joanie to be so quiet for so long. What had she been thinking? She shouldn’t have said anything to Joanie.
Finally, Joanie shifted position and opened her mouth to speak.
‘No but… no? Shut up. OK, you’re not saying anything but still SHUT UP.’ She yelled those final words, and Lorelai felt something inside her shift. Joanie didn’t look like she thought Lorelai was mad. Did she…believeher?
