Would I ever say to Senu, "Go on, suck off those guys, it’s not a big deal, they’ll back off…"?
Fuck no, never. But I kind of said that to Eliano.
For a few minutes, I watch him as he sits there staring at the screen, his black-haired head, his muscular neck, the beautiful knots of muscle. A body trained for fighting, but… one that hates it.
Those scars on his back…
This wasn’t a one-time thing. Eliano was beaten regularly. Why? Was it his stubborn, unyielding nature? Did he resist Anzo? Did he resist the cage fights?
Staring out the window, I struggle with my conscience as it weighs heavily on me. Do I want to be a cold, indifferent bastard,or do I want to be a decent person, the way Senu would be right now?
Finally, I force out through clenched teeth:
"You’re right. I haven’t lived your life, and I’m sorry. It’s hard for me to fully put myself in your place. I’ve had some street-fight training myself, and for me it was fun. I always thought fighting came naturally to alphas, like breathing. But I see now your experience was completely different. It wasn’t fun. It was punishment."
As I speak, I mold my turbulent tone into something calmer. It isn’t easy. Being an asshole feels like my default setting, my only defense for most of my life, a wall between me and everyone else…exceptSenu.He was theonly onewho ever saw it come down, and had my love, patience, softness, and care.
After I finish my last sentence, I see Eliano let out a small breath, as if my words meant something to him. His gaze lifts from the laptop, and for a moment, our eyes meet.
"I’m glad you’re at least trying to understand," he says in a neutral tone, and adds nothing more.
Well, that conversation could have gone better, but it is what it is. I can’t change who I am in an instant, and to be honest, I shouldn’t. I’ll be off this island soon. Eliano and I will probably never see each other again. So maybe, however bittersweet it is, it’s okay to leave our relationshipimperfect?
In any case, no point in sweating over it anymore.
Half an hour later, Evan knocks on our door to pick us up for Last Man Standing.
We join him, both of us in weird moods.
As we walk, Evan speaks a bit about how the whole event works and about the fighting contest, which does not help with Eliano’s mood.
Roman comes closer to me, as if wanting to get friendly, which is a bad idea for me, since I do not have time for this.
He tries to talk about how he can’t wait for tomorrow, saying he loves dancing and that it will be an opportunity… blah blah. The fuck do I care!
With every passing hour, I become more aware that the longer I stay, the moreurgentmy escape becomes. I cannot afford to sink into this place, and cannot let myself get involved in a life that was never meant to be mine.
It all makes me jumpy and jittery.
We finally approach the central part of the promenade, shaped like a spacious plaza. There is already a sizable crowd gathered around tables with food.
My eyes land on the delicious snacks around me, and I feel a pleasant wave of the barbecue atmosphere that I could allow myself to enjoy, if only…
Eliano grabs two trays, one obviously meant for me, and glances at me, pointing at the tasty-looking golden-baked stuffed rice balls.
"They look likeArancini di carne, a Sicilian dish I adore," he says, taking a bite and making an approving sound, "Pretty good, wanna taste it?"
And he raises one of them, moving his hand close to my mouth. I feel a mix of irritation and excitement.
Making it slow, I open my mouth, and Eliano puts it inside with a peculiar expression, and I make a point of closing my lips around his finger, which he pulls out with a soft popping sound.
Really, Salt?
What’s wrong with me? It’s a seriously valid question. A fucking rollercoaster.
Keep your distance? No!
Throw yourself at him! No!
