“I think today proved that you don’t,” he says, and his voice has gotten a little colder, more commanding. “What’s going on, Erica?”
The suffocating feeling swells up, fast, hot, pressing against my ribs until I can’t get a full breath. The bitterness crawls up right behind it, mean and sharp, and it’s getting bigger by the second because he thinks he can sit here and order me around just because I have no one else. Because I’m so pathetic that the only person I had to call during one of the worst moments of my life was my boss.
I push back from the table so hard my chair scrapes the floor.
“No,” I say again, louder. My heart is pounding. My hands are trembling. “No, Nico. Idon’tknow.”
He stills, and I see the moment it clicks.
She wasmia madre, you know?
I stand, and my legs feel unsteady, like my body can’t decide if it’s going to run or collapse. I grip the back of the chair because I need something solid.
“Erica,” he says, tone unsure for the first time since I’ve met him.
“Maybe you haven’t noticed,” I say, and my voice cracks, but the words don’t stop. They just keep coming. “But there’s no one down my hall.”
Nico’s gaze pins me, quiet, watchful.
“There’s no one on their way to be with me,” I keep going, breath turning shallow. “There’s no one putting together special dinners because their love language is food. There’s no one to sit at the hospital with me to nag me about eating and having too many cups of coffee, while I stare at a door for hours and try not to throw up. Because the only person I have in my life is on the other side of that door.”
My throat burns. My eyes sting. I blink hard, and it doesn’t help.
“My closest friend is in Montana, and I’m not even sure she’s that anymore after I told her about the auction, because the last time I saw her, she looked at me like I was a different person.”
I turn away, staring into the dimly-lit living room because I can’t stand looking at Nico’s neutral expression. “We were supposed to talk again before she left, but something came up.Something came up?The semester is over, and her flight wasn’t for days. She didn’t have anything else here.Nothingcame up.She just didn’t want to see me. Because to her, I am a different person now. One she doesn’t want to be associated with.” My words come out between shuddering sobs. “She couldn’t even be bothered to call today to find out if my dadmade it!” The last two words might have been yelled if my voice wasn’t so hoarse.
“And the only family I have— the only family I’ve ever had— is in the hospital,” I say, and the words taste like blood. “And I can’tevertell him what I did to get the money for his surgery. Because I can’t handle the thought of the only person in my life—”
The rest of the words cut off in a strangled sob at the disappointed look on my dad’s face if he ever found out.
My chest heaves. The air feels thin.
“And if I lose my dad,” I say, and my voice is raw, “I have no one. No. One.”
I can hear my own breathing, loud and too fast, like I’ve been running.
“I needed someone tonight,” I say, shaking now. “And the only person I had to call was my boss.”
Behind me, the chair shifts.
I don’t turn around.
I don’t think I can face him.
Because the more Idocome down from my rant, the more I realize what an asshole I was. Demented. Cruel.
How the hell could I say all that to him?
And just as quickly as the mood struck, it’s gone. Leaving me to deal with the aftermath of what my bitterness spewed out.
He just told me about his mom, and I basically told him to quit whining over it.
What the fuck.
“What the fuck,” I whisper to myself, “is wrong with me?”
I turn back to the kitchen to see Nico standing and gathering pans and plates.
