No?The urge to fire back a string of reasons clogged in my throat.I pushed them aside and struggled to be logical and cold.“I’m your rebound guy.The guy you latch onto when you’re scared.I’m nothing.”That was wrong.“I’m nothing more than that.”
Her face went blank.She didn’t argue with me.
“Thought so.”I turned to grab my coat.I had no clue where I’d go, or what I’d do.But it would start at the bar.I’d stand in that alley and reconstruct the scene.Then, I’d search for footprints, or a trail in the snow.I’d run Johnny Pornstach down like a fucking deer to slaughter.
“Ringo?”Ellie’s voice cut through the murderous rage in my head.I froze in front of the coat closet.
“In that alley, I thought you abandoned me.”
“You were with Kat.I was getting the car so you wouldn’t have to walk through the snow.”I stared at my wool coat.
“That is very sweet.”
“I’mnotsweet.”
Her sharp intake of breath was audible.The shaky gust she exhaled was quieter, but heavier.“You’re a killer.”
I tilted my head, as if to acknowledge that fact.Then I reached for my coat.
“But you’re also a nice man.I’m having a lot of trouble putting those two things together.And that’s why you probably feel like a human yo-yo.”
My hand fell from the fabric.It was dragged down by a desire to become something better.Or maybe more.But that type of shift in a world like mine was a death sentence.“I hear what you’re saying.”
“What you aren’t is a rebound guy.I never slept with Johnny.I made him wait until we were married.I think that’s why he was with Dianora.”
Was she serious?I scanned her face to detect the bullshit she was shoveling.“Never?”
“Never.”
“What about kissing him?”
Her eyebrow went up.“Are you jealous?”
A common trait weeded out good assassins from bad ones—the ability to recognize emotion and the courage to name it.“Yes.I’m jealous.”I stepped away from the closet and paced the length of the condo until I stood in the fishbowl-shaped formal living room and practically plastered my face to the floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking the empty lakefront highway and the even emptier lake spreading out like some northern ocean.Ellie padded up behind me.Her reflection was a blur of white and softer shades from her blond hair and tanned skin.She stood behind me, but far enough away that I couldn’t feel her presence.
I spoke to that cold, blurry image.“Every man who’s touched you, kissed you.Every person you smile at, or let inside that wall of protection you built up, I envy them.They get you.And I don’t.”
I turned so I could face her.“I’m goddamned jealous.”
She studied me for a long moment.“That’s not healthy.”
“Neither is having nightmares every night.”
She blinked.“I know.And you’re right.I’m scared.I’ve been scared since I was five years old.Allie and my parents think I’m making those nightmares up.But they’re real.I know they are.I know at one point or another I slipped out of the house and those men chased me.I know they did.But no one believes me.”The blinking grew faster as she struggled to keep her eyes dry.
“Grown-ass men chasing a child.”They deserved to die.I made a mental note to hunt them down, too.
“I’m always going to be scared.That is something I can’t change.But you weren’t the rebound guy.If you were, I wouldn’t be so conflicted right now.”
My back itched, exposed as it was.I led Ellie back to the couch where we started the night, but didn’t sit.“I’m always going to be who I am.Some men say it’s because I owe Don Manca or Mario.But I know that I was born to this life.If I hadn’t found them, I would be doing this for someone else.Some organization without as many rules, or morals.Then I’d be much darker, and you really wouldn’t think I’m a nice man at all.”
Her gaze peeked at me through the light wisps of her long bangs.“Allie trusts them.”
I nodded.“It goes both ways.She took care of Mario when he was injured.She didn’t have to, but she did.That proved her worth.”
Ellie’s eyes fell.“And I’m worthless.”
That kind of thinking wouldn’t fly.I grabbed her arms and pulled her close so she’d listen to me.“You are not worthless.You are a smart-ass, but also smart.You’re sharp, witty, business-savvy, tough—oh my God, so tough—soft, beautiful…” I got distracted by the texture of her cheeks under my thumbs.I was careful to catch her falling tears and push them into her hair where they’d remain hidden.“I think you are amazing.”
