But I did note one thing.Ringo left me.
I was going to die in an alley, and he left me.
That made my insides turn frigid.No one loved me.My compass was completely wrong, and Johnny was right.My lies were burying me.
“Are you okay?”
Ringo panted, and his face was flushed.I’d never seen him that way.Even under gunfire, he was calm and deadly competent.But this?
If I didn’t know better, I’d say he was upset.“Where’s Johnny?”I accepted the hand Ringo held out so I could stand.
Water dripped off my dress.It was ruined.Was my whole life cursed?Every time I got something nice, it was destroyed, ruined, or tainted by tragedy.
“He took off.I should have ran him down and killed him, but…”
I brushed the grayish-black sludge off my ass.
Ringo’s words registered.“Killed him?”
“He had a gun on you.Didn’t you notice?”
I had.Funny how that little detail had shrunk in my memories.It was as if I knew it wasn’t the biggest danger to me.“You want to kill him?”
Ringo’s eyes narrowed on me.“Babe.I don’t just want to kill him, I’m going to.”
There was a pause that lingered a beat or ten too long.
“You got a problem with that?”he asked.
For the first time in my life, I couldn’t dig up a lie.I didn’t want to.“Ringo?I… I wish you didn’t do that.But I’d be fooling myself if I said I didn’t feel the same way.”
His jaw shifted, as if he were making room for something too big to clamp down.“Not everyone acts on their emotions.Especially the ones that result in such… permanent solutions.”
I laughed.“That’s a funny way to phrase it.”
He blinked once.The words he wanted to speak rolled around his face in a jumble of emotions.“I’m used it.You’re not.”He held out the crook of his arm, as if expecting me to take it so he could guide me to the car he’d left running in the alley.
But I needed him to know the truth.“A long time ago, I thought being bad was my only choice.I mean, if was going to be blamed and stalked for something I didn’t do, I wanted to actuallydeserveit.But the first time I got in trouble, real trouble, I realized I’m not cut out for prison.”I shrugged.
“No one is.It goes against human nature to crave confinement.”
I studied him.“Then why?”Why do you do what you do?Why do you take the risk?Why can’t you stop?
“Because it is also in human nature to crave order.Without the will to commit to that path, you get lost.There’s no purpose.That makes you prey to the people who embrace order.”He paused to laugh bitterly.“Cops and killers aren’t that much different.Once you realize that, it makes a lot more sense.”
There was one question burning in my soul.The flame had been there for as long as I could remember.But I’d never had anyone explain this to me.“How do you stop being prey?”
Ringo didn’t smile.He took my left hand and held it in both of his with my palm facing the sky.His fingers touched my thumb.He spoke quickly in his strangely accented Italian, then translated.“This part of your hand grips.It makes you able to cling to life.Therefore, it represents life.It gives purpose, promise, and strength.It’s the code.”He paused to clear his throat and look around.“We shouldn’t be doing this here.”
No, we shouldn’t.
“Take me home.Your home.Please?”
14
Ringo
Trouble.I was in it deep.I should have ran Johnny over.It would have been messy, and difficult to coverup, but the job would be done.I could hear Don Manca’s voice in my head berating me for the missed shot.Just like he’d yelled at me when I missed the first time we went hunting.That was so long ago.The lesson imparted, he made me try again.It took me two days to run down my quarry, but I killed it on the second try.
