Yet, I can’t ask Isla to go get me the pain relief, because then, she’ll move. And my fingers will slip from hers, and I’ll lose the tenuous physical connection I have with her.
God knows how my body needs it right now. A grounding touch that tethers me here and makes the pain bearable.
Greer offered me stronger pain relief, but I refused. Getting injured in Afghanistan led to a painful period that bordered on addiction. Fuck, it was addiction. Took me six treacherous months to get it under control, but I’m not fucking with that shit ever again. Kai deserves better than dealing with me like that.
So, I bounced on the drugs.
Instead, I’m relying on a boost of some gas and air combo that makes me feel sick as I escape the pain. No way I could get addicted to that shit.
Even with my eyes closed, I can see Isla. Can feel her. The faint catch in her breath. Like she’s thinking way too hard about the choices ahead of her. There’s the slight scrape of denim as she wipes a hand on her jeans.
Maybe it’s the fact she’s still here that’s helping me rest.
The bed shifts as she finally stands, her slender fingers slipping from mine. Footsteps don’t lead away from the room, though. They lead to the window. I crack open one eye, and in the light from the small lamp on the bedside table, I catch sight of her side profile as she looks up at the stars. Her arms are wrapped tightly around her chest, as if she’s trying to keep the world from seeing her.
But there’s a real wistfulness to her gaze. As if she still has hope and optimism that things might get better. That there’s a bigger and better life for her somewhere, even though she hasn’t found it yet.
And the thought lands heavier than the pain that it might not be with us. I could kick myself for not seeing her sooner. For not reaching out to her vulnerability and providing a safe place for her to put it.
Footsteps hit the top of the stairs, and I would know the sound of my man anywhere. I hear him pad to Isla. “Hey,” he mutters. “Sorry for falling asleep like that.”
“It’s okay,” Isla replies, equally softly. “You obviously needed some rest.”
“How’s he doing?” Kai asks, thinking I’m asleep. His voice is worn thin.
I probably shouldn’t listen to their conversation, but I can’t help myself. I want to hear Kai fall in love. I want to watch him do it. I’ll always lead us in the bedroom, but in truth, he’s always known more about how to love and be loved than I do. I need him to show me the path to follow in this, because without him, I’m sure as fuck gonna get lost.
My cock stirs at the idea of getting lost in Isla’s body. It will feel unfamiliar, so different to the men I’ve been with in the past. So soft and lush and breakable.
“He ate a whole bowl.”
Kai lets out a slow, shaky breath, and I open my eyes. Finally, he notices and crosses the room, moving slowly, like every part of him hurts. When he reaches me, he puts his hand on the headboard and leans so close, our foreheads almost touch.
“You good, Wild?” I ask.
He snorts. “It’s been a day. You need the bathroom? I brought this up.”
I look down at the plastic canister we use on long rides if we need to piss and there’s nowhere appropriate.
It feels humiliating to use it in my own bedroom.
Isla hurries and grabs the bowl and spoon from the side table. “I’ll go wash this up,” she says before disappearing down the stairs. Both of us watch her go for long after she’s disappeared.
“You need help with this?” Kai asks. “Because you know how much I love handling your cock.”
“Fuck you,” I say with a chuckle. “It’s already hard enough to piss into this thing without my cock being hard at the thought of you manhandling it.”
Kai wanders to the curtains to close them while I do what I need to do.
When I’m done, he comes over to me and holds out his hand. “Let me go deal with that for you.”
I shake my head. “Don’t need you emptying my piss. I’ll do it in the morning when I feel better.”
Kai shakes his head too. “Just give it to me. I swallow your cum, you think pouring your piss down the toilet is going to bother me?”
“Fuck’s sake,” I mutter as I hand it to him.
I hate being dependent on anyone. I’ve long learned that the best way to live your life is to be so utterly independent, you could roll at any time. It’s something Kai has grappled with, and while he accepts it, he doesn’t understand it. Every now and then, I feel myself slipping into relying on him for emotional fulfilment, and I know it hurts him when I force myself to pull back.
