“Why are you being this way?” she asks quietly. “You said you could be patient.”
“I have been patient, and I would continue to be if you gave any indication at all that you’re ever going to put me first. I understand you couldn’t when you were eighteen but I thought this time around it would be different. That we’d realized how important this relationship is. Except that’s not the vibe I get from you.”
“What are you saying?” she asks.
“You know what I’m saying. At some point, you have to put me first. Unless it’s hockey related, I always put you first. Name one time where you did the same.”
“That’s not fair.”
“Isn’t it? What’s our timeline? Six months? A year? Five years? When do I get to be your priority? Is that even possible?”
“I’m trying but until this blood pressure thing is resolved and?—”
“And then it will be something else!” I snap, interrupting. “We already barely see each other—how much more distance can your dad put between us before you see what he’s doing?”
“Jordan, I just need a little more time. I promise, once I graduate, we’ll sit down and?—”
“I can’t do this again, Victoria,” I interrupt again even as my stomach churns with regret.
“What?” She sounds startled.
“I can’t go through another situation where I’m the villain in your story. I’m the guy who takes advantage of you, who’s only using you, who doesn’t love you. Because that’s not who I am and I think I’ve proven that to you. I do love you, but I’m not sure you understand exactly what that means. And until you do, we can’t be together.”
“Are you breaking up with me?”
“I’m giving you the time and freedom to do whatever it is you need to do to figure out whether or not I’m what you want. You essentially have one foot out the door, waiting for your dad to pull the rug out from under us, and I just can’t wait for it. I almost lost everything last time—I’m not willing to risk it all again for a maybe. I’m sorry, Victoria. Let me know if you change your mind, but I have to go.”
I disconnect and close my eyes, trying to breathe.
I’ve probably just fucked up my life—again—but this is all like a big déjà vu mind fuck, one I’m not prepared to deal with. Things have been going so well for me, both personally and professionally.
As much as I love her, until she’s ready to put in the effort for us to be together, I have to put myself first. Even though it might kill me.
Chapter 33
Victoria
The last time I cried this hard was when I had my miscarriage.
I managed to hold it in at work, buried in inventory and the company of my co-workers since most of the crew had to come in to help. But now that I’m home, standing under a piping hot shower, the tears fall unchecked.
It’s my own fault, I know that, but I don’t know what to do. He didn’t frame it as an ultimatum, but that’s essentially what it was, and I waffle between heartbreak and anger. Is it really too much to ask for him to wait just a little longer? It’s been four years, I understand that, but everything is complicated with my family. And for the first time, I have to ask myself why.
When Ivy got pregnant and her boyfriend disappeared, my parents swooped in and took charge. They told her they’d help her take care of the baby until she graduated, and even then, they’d babysit so she could work. They offered me up as a part-time babysitter as well, without even asking me, but I did it happily.
She’s my sister.
Ironically, I didn’t get that kind of grace when I was the one in trouble. Dad growled and yelled and threatened to destroy Jordan’s life. Then they effectively cut me off from him completely. At the time, I was too traumatized to fight back. Now I’m strong enough but I seem to be falling into a similar pattern where I default to what they want. What they think is best.
And now I’m really, really confused.
Heartbroken.
Sad.
Even a little scared.
I can’t imagine my life without Jordan.
