I grimace. If at all possible, I’d like to avoid going to Castor’s arch nemesis for anything—especially something he’s already told menofor. “What about…Alexios?”
Zahra snorts. “I don’t know if he would if Castor doesn’t want him to. They care a lot about each other, and there’s no way to ask him without making it clear that Castor has already said no. Cael would have no such reservation.”
Yeah. So long aswhatI am isn’t offensive to him or too dangerous…
I eat my bite of seaweed salad and find myself watching a cup of mochi approach on the belt. In an act of rebellion against lifelong diets barring sugar, I open the little plastic door and take it.
“Did Cael somehow make you uncomfortable?” Zahra hedges. “I heard Willow dumped you in his throne room Sunday.”
I poke one of the soft rice cakes, hear my mother complain about the calories in the back of my head, and smile as I lift it to my mouth. “I’d rather not betray Castor like that. Going to Cael for something would hurt him. A lot.”
“Well, that sucks to suck for him. He said no. He all but said,no, you can’t have my help learning about your own self. It’s your right to know what you are and what you’re capable of—speaking of. Did he even tell you what you were?”
“I forgot to ask for more details about what I am.” Because after he saidno, he kissed me again, burying me against my swinging bed, until I was very near ready to beg him to stay with me all night some more, or just long enough to ruin me in ways I’ve never been ruined before. Unfortunately, right around then is when he stopped, abruptly, and said it was time for my bath.
It was the coldest bath I’ve had since all this began, and no amount of steam filling the bathroom seemed to chase the fact Castor wasn’t near me away.
“That Castor,” Zahra mutters. “Pollux kept what my friend Kass was from her for a while, too. I don’t know if I can trust that Castor’s doing it for your own good or not, though. From what I know of him, I wouldn’t be surprised if insecurity fuels everything he does.”
From what I know of him, I concur. “To be fair, I framed my request to learn magic around asking him to help me becomestrong. He asked if I was asking him to teach me how to not need him anymore, and I said yes.”
Zahra’s eyes widen. “You said that to his face?”
“Yes.”
“Wow.” She grins. “That’sbeautiful.”
I flush. “I…don’t really know what came over me.”
“The same thing that always comes over you in my stream chats—snark, sass…safety.” Warm, Zahra dips a piece of sushi in her bowl of soy sauce and says, “I’m relieved. Xios is…a naturally kind person. He believes in people. And I know, logically, he’s a creature who can see and understand more about a person at a glance than I can or do, which helps with both empathy and accurate judgment. I’ve experienced the inside look at how he sees everything thanks to our contract. I know the rush of knowledge and emotion and sensations that helps him decide when someone is good or bad. Despite that, the logical, worried parts of me were less inclined to just put my faith entirely in Castor. Even after all the crap he’s pulled, I don’t dislike him. He issobroken, and it’s hard not to empathize with him after some of the…” She sighs, dips her sushi again, bites, and swallows. “After some of the less crappy stuff he’s said or done, with me specifically. I guess I’m just really glad that he’s managing to make you feel safe amid all the ups and downs of whatever train wreck he is.” Her eyes fix on me, steady, severe. “You deserve to feel safe with your soulmate.”
I don’t know what I deserve. It’s hard to feel like I deserve anything when I’ve grown up reminded constantly that I deserve nothing and my worth is completely reliant on what I can do for someone I’ve never once been good enough for. The very idea of consistent safety is scary.
At this point, I’m not certain I know how to coexist with it.
At this point, I may find reassurance in the knowledge that Castor isn’t just plaingood. I know I hate the roller coaster, butI can’t deny that it’s more…familiar. Chaos, after all, is less likely to lull me toward a false sense of security just before it breaks. If anything, I’d feel most safe with more bad than good. There’s less that can break that way.
Zahra snaps her fingers, yanking me from my thoughts. “I’ve got it. Zylus.”
“Zylus?” I ask. “Willow’s…husband?”
Zahra nods. “Yeah, he can teach you magic. He’s way more practiced in it than I am. He’s outside the drama. And I bet he actually knows how toteachsomeone. As far as I know, he’s a pretty high-ranking knight in Cael’s forces. Maybe he has a curriculum on account of having had subordinates that he’s taught before.”
I ponder that option while I squish my second mochi.
Castor’s relationship with Willow seems complicated, but not exactly bad. As it stands, the last time he mentioned her, it was to confirm that she’d beenright. I don’t know what he thinks of Zylus, but he did spend three minutes with him without any apparent issues.
Maybe they’re chill.
Maybe I find myself a little too happily teetering on a weird edge.
When Castor first kidnapped me and tossed me in that bird cage, I was scared to press what my limitations were. I fell back into old habits of submission and fawning.
Now—with the taste of him on my tongue—the fear that I might do something horrendous that makes him lash out at me is seductive. I am fairly confident he won’t kill me, so what is there to fear?
I want to play with the chance of pain. I want to poke and prod and seduce. I may even want to drive an already insane man more mad—so long as I’m not acting with an intention tohurthim, because I don’t want him hurt. I just want tobe independent and brave enough to do the things I believe I should be able to.
Like learn magic.
