Chapter19
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Surely this isn’t a trauma symptom…
Darkness crawls over the expansive fields beyond Cael’s palace, and I still haven’t changed out of my magic clothes. I don’t know why. Maybe I’m afraid what Castor will do if he finds out I discarded something he wove out of his power specifically for me. Maybe I’m waiting for Cael to return with his wife, Alana, and outline their expectations before I decide I’m staying here and it’s a good idea to listen to them.
Maybe I just don’t want to.
At this exact moment, I don’t think I trust anyone.
Even Frelsi hasn’t found her way back to me yet, leaving me in an unfamiliar place alone and pacing. In a fit of mild rebellion, I slip out of my magic slippers to march across this plush pink carpet barefoot—and try not to hope Castor feels the rejection, appears out of thin air, and shoves them back onto my feet before carrying me home.
I keep telling myself all of this isn’t a big deal.
So what if I’m alone in another castle with limited explanation?
If this happens a third time, I might just get used to it.
What’s killing me is how much it feels like I’m at a crossroad with no one to tell me which path to take.
I was not raised to be confident in my own decisions, so I’m second guessing myself in circles.
Cael seems intent on liberating me from Castor. Castor seems intent on worshiping the ground I walk on. While I’m here—surrounded by people, guards, and creatures loyal to Cael—I don’t think Castor has a chance of getting me back if I don’t want him to. He would need my cooperation.
The choice should be simple.
Stay.
Stay with the benevolent prince who lives in a bright land filled with happy, laughing subjects. Stay with the kind prince who expresses palpable concern for a stranger. Stay in this place without bars, in this land that is safe, with the prince who says I’mfree to wander.
I shouldstay.
At the very least, I should stay until Tuesday when Zahra and I plan to get sushi so I can ask her what she thinks since she seems to know both Castor and Cael better than I do.
However, if I assume that she’s friends with both of them because either option is safe… If I assume it all depends on what I want…
Heaving a sigh, I scowl at the softness beneath my feet.
I’m already trying to push the responsibility of this decision off on someone else.
Ineedto learn to trust myself, and Ineedto discover what I want.
When I left home, the only pipe dream I had in my head was to befree.
Free from my mother and her demands. Free from the chain of marrying Rodrick. Free from being sold to the world every day, ridiculed constantly, and controlled completely.
I had, and still have, no ambitions beyond this fragile concept of freedom…when I’m not even sure I really want it. Freedom comes with decisions, all the time. Responsibility. Big choices. Small choices. Choices like the one I’m facing right now that is making my head hurt.
I was on the streets for two horrible weeks, spending every moment afraid, then Castor caught me and caged me. Near immediately, I gave up—and I’ve found peace in it. It’s been dayssince I succumbed to him, falling right back into old habits of helplessness and submission.
Staying with Cael means liberation from a literal cage, friends like Willow and Zahra in reach at all times, and a world with a clear sky to watch the sun set in.
It’s such an absolute no brainer what I should do.
“So what is wrong with me?” I whisper.
Why am I even thinking about Castor?
