A frail smile touches my lips, and I have to stop myself from thanking him. “Carrying myself correctly hides how I’m falling apart inside.”
“Your mother seems quite unacquainted with intelligence.”
My heart squeezes as I smooth the skirt of this dress out over my thighs. “I don’t know about that. Frel says the way my mother controlled me couldn’t be an accident. Frel says I have too much emotional damage for any of her actions to have been a mistake. Frel insists it was calculated, which means she has to be smart. I don’t want to believe the worst of her, but more and more it seems I have to either call her an idiot for not understanding how everything she did was horrible, or I have to accept that she’s a bad person. I don’t know which is easier.”
After all, at least if she’s juststupid, there’s a chance she actually loves me.
“I think she’s both a bad person and an idiot,” Castor mutters, linking his arms in his sleeves. “Anyone who treats you poorly must be a twit.”
I stop my eyes from rolling. “Are you sure you aren’t biased?”
“Positive.”
His confidence makes me giggle.
Tenderly, he says, “You are genuinely kind, even to the worst people. Yet those who are kind reach a limit, like you did when you left home. Treating you as less than you deserve is not wise behavior, because wringing your kindness out instead of nurturing it results in less benefits over time. There is little stupider than losing the company of someone who thoroughly cares.”
“I don’t think I’m genuinely anything.” I pinch the hem of my skirt, follow the silken trim with my fingers. “Everything I am, everything I portray to others, is all a survival mechanism that I’ve accumulated over the years.”
“My dear sweet girl, how does playing devil’s advocate on your mother’s behalf aid you in survival when you are thousands of miles and a world away from the woman?”
My mouth opens, but I close it when no words come.
Castor hums. “Exactly, my love. If you think about it long enough, you may convince yourself your reasons are selfish because you are trying to understand why people hurt you or because you want to be a good person, but the desire to understand and the desire tobe goodwithout attempting to obtain favor is what it means to be kind. Consistent effort is what creates who we are. Consistent desire builds the foundation of our character. You gain nothing by protecting her. You gain nothing in suggesting that she might not be as bad as your ownexperiences make her seem. Least of all before me, a man who could not manage to care less for this woman who has hurt you.”
“Do you consider yourself to be kind?” I ask.
He laughs. “Absolutely not. I have never wanted to be good for the sake of goodness. I have only ever wanted to be good enough to fit in. I’m somewhat convinced my lack of commitment directly relates to an absence of passion. When you’re good for someone and not yourself, you slip up in the shadows. And the thing about shadows is, eventually, someone will cast light on them. That’s when everything falls apart, and the stark absence ofkindnessbecomes remarkably clear.”
Abandoning my phone on the bench, I rise, clasp my hands behind my back, and take a step toward him. “So…that being the case…how long until you can’t keep up the act for my sake anymore?”
Heat rises to his cheeks. His lips part, then he presses them together. Retreating from me, he murmurs, “I did not mean…”
I follow his step back. “You said I’m worth being better for.”
“I did.”
“But being better for someone else doesn’t work long-term, does it?”
His throat bobs. “It…has not for me before, no.”
“Is it different this time because I’m your soulmate?”
Soft, he murmurs, “I am…hopeful.”
I take a deep breath. “Can I risk being honest with you, Castor?”
His shoulders square. “Being honest with me should never be a risk, my darling.”
Shouldis not a very comforting word in that sentence. There are a lot of things in my life thatshouldhave been. And far more that should not have. So, here I stand, a collection of manyshouldn’tswith far too little faith in theshoulds. “I’d prefer consistency. If you’re horrible, please don’t try not to beand leave me to wonder when everything will fall apart. Just be horrible, and let me get used to it.”
Gently, his head shakes. “You deserve my efforts.”
“I’d rather have stability.”
“And if I push you away? If you run from me like you ran from your mother?”
I twist my fingers in the layers of my skirt. “Aren’t you more powerful than her? I only managed to get away before because I had Frel. Just being here is proof that Frel isn’t strong enough to protect me from you.”
