It was one of the reasons I’d held back on telling her what I was planning. I knew what she’d say. She’d seen the ugliest sides of marriages unravel, watched courtrooms turn into war zones over things people said in moments of frustration. I didn’t need that energy. I didn’t want to be pulled out of my rebellious, curious headspace I was finally leaning into.
“Coffee, I’m not trying to build a life with this man. This is just sex and maybe a little company here and there. Hell, I haven’t even texted him yet. I don’t know anything about him. This might not even make it past a conversation. So no, I don’t have it in writing, and I’m not asking him to sign some contract like I’m soliciting dick on Craigslist.”
She let out a slow breath on the other end, and I could tell I sounded like one of her clients who never listened and always learned the hard way.
“I’m just saying, Khloe… I don’t disagree with what you’re doing. Especially not if it’s something he introduced into the relationship. But I just want you to protect yourself. Because let’s be honest… you know Kairo. He said that to provoke you. He didn’t mean it.”
That pissed me off.
“That’s the damn point, Camille.”
I could hear her heels click to a stop on the other end. She knew I was serious because I never used her government name unless I was fully in my feelings.
“Stop saying shit you don’t mean just to see if you can get a reaction. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. He’s been saying he’d do better for years. That he’d work less, be present more. Nothing has changed. You don’t get to test me with words and then cry when I decide to take action.”
A woman nearby turned and stared at me wide-eyed. I mouthedI’m sorryand kept walking through the aisles.
“I get it. I do,” Coffee said. “Just be careful.”
“It’s just sex,” I said flatly. “You do it all the time.”
Coffee laughed, but it sounded sad. “Khloe… you don’t know the first thing about ‘just sex.’”
I paused, my hand frozen over a sunflower bouquet.
“I didn’t mean it like that.”
“I know. But yeah, I do it all the time. And sometimes it’s fine. And sometimes… it fucks with you. I fell for someone I can’t even have. That feeling and emptiness is something I don’t want for you. You may feel empty with Kairo from lack of quality time, but I watch the man that I love give another woman everything that I want. You don’t bounce back from that the same.”
Her voice cracked, but I heard her quickly gather herself. That was the part of her that she usually buried under her strong-friend persona.
“I’m sorry, Coffee. Really. But I’m not going into this thinking about emotions or what-ifs. I’m not trying to replace Kairo. I have a husband. I have a family. I just… I want him to feel what I feel. I want him to notice the absence of my attention and miss me. And if I’m not pouring everything into him, maybe he’ll realize how much I give and how little I receive.”
She sighed. “That mind of yours… when are you going to understand that life doesn’t always unfold the way we imagine it?”
She paused.
“So basically you’re using him? What’s his real name? Because ‘Stacks’ sounds like a man who steals debit cards and sells weed in parking lots.”
I laughed. “I’m not using him. He knows what this is. It’s like… a sneaky link. A temporary distraction.”
“You say that like you’ve had one before.”
“I watch TV.”
“Exactly. That’s how I know you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing. Real life ain’t an episode of ‘Being Mary Jane.’ You don’t get to edit the sex scenes and skip the consequences.”
She wasn’t lying. But I wasn’t ready to admit that.
“When are you reaching out?” she asked.
“I don’t know. I have his number. I might text him later. Just feel him out. See if he even sounds like he’s worth my time.”
“Worth your time?” she repeated. “Sneaky links aren’t worth anything but a nut and a clean exit.”
She was right, but I also knew I wasn’t going to let some random man into my body without some sense of intellect. If nothing else, I needed conversation and chemistry even if it was just for a few hours.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” I lied.
