I hated how true that was turning out.
We spent the rest of the day talking about nothing and everything. While I knew they were both technically working, it was relaxing and laid-back. I enjoyed watching them take care of anyone coming in (via appointment) or returning from the back with what they were doing.
Maybe this wasn’t the greater good I wanted to be a part of, but even from the outside, it felt more fulfilling than what I was doing. I know that wasn’t fair. My job was helping people. Without financial aid, so many kids wouldn’t get to go to college. They’d not be able to further their education. Hell, most people that go to college get student loans.
But it just didn’t feel like enough anymore.
At the same time, I was no longer chomping at the bit to rush out and kick Silence in the balls. Don’t get me wrong. The bright, hot fury has only magnified since the mountain. But the losses hit me differently.
I will always miss Essen and I won’t stop doing whatever I can to make sure no one loses their sister. But there’s something even more raw about losing your husband/s. Maybe it felt different because I had been there to witness it. Because someone wasn’t telling me that Kohara was dead, killed by Silence. I’d seen it with my own eyes.
I’d felt the pain of his death, saw it repeatedly whenever I closed my eyes. Like I was living it again. Over and over.
However, there was also a new peace in me. We were together. Alive. And while I knew we all wanted to dosomething, we weren’t going to rush in with a half-cocked plan where some or all of us didn’t make it out with our lives.
That meant I needed to find something in the middle. Helping kids get financial aid for college wasn’t enough. Running ahead to kick Silence in the nuts was too much. Would helping facilitate happily ever afters be the balance for me? Or was there something else that was calling, and I just hadn’t heard it yet?
* * *
My parents stayedfor another couple days. The morning they left, Gale and Tara had made an expansive brunch that we all sat around eating together. It was relaxing and happy. We sat in the dining room laughing and talking with the sun warm on us through the big windows.
And then we walked them out.
My mom wrapped her arms around me, hugging me to her. “You best never again keep me guessing, child,” she warned.
I squeezed her tighter. “Sorry, Mom. Really. I swear I just hadn’t turned my phone back on.”
She patted my cheek. “Be safe. Be extra careful. Promise me.”
The words were on the tip of her tongue. I could almost hear them though she didn’t say them.I can’t lose another daughter.Swallowing the thickness in my throat, I nodded. Seeing my family always brought tears to my eyes because forever there’d be an empty chair. It was probably why I didn’t talk to them or see them as much as I used to. That emptiness was more profound when I did.
“I promise,” I said, my voice quiet so it wouldn’t shake. “You promise, too.”
“Of course, sweetie. We will be careful. Keep our heads down and watch out for our friends and families.”
I hugged her again before hugging the rest of my parents. With nine mothers and fathers, there was no such thing as a short goodbye. So, what was likely forty minutes later, my parents drove off in two vehicles.
After I watched them drive away, I headed inside and upstairs. My phone still wasn’t on. I dug it out of my bag, one of the few bags that had remained within the campsite, and held the power button until the screen lit. Then I set it next to my computer and headed for the bathroom.
I washed my hands and face, brushed my teeth, and threw my hair into an elastic before changing into leggings and a shirt. When I returned to my closet/office/whatever room, Neph was leaning in the door, his arms crossed over his chest.
Shifting my direction, I headed for him. When I was close enough, he pulled me into his arms. “Not working today?” I asked.
He shook his head. “I cut my hours for a bit. Don’t tell him, but we don’t want Tem going out alone anymore. We’re arranging our schedules to stalk him.”
I laughed. “As long as you’re prepared to be in some sexy pictures, I don’t think he’s going to care.”
Neph was one of the older men in my new family. He, Notus, and Kohara all hovered somewhere around a decade older than the youngest, which were Bronte and Tempest, their birthdays being a week apart. It was in these moments where I was in his arms that I could feel the difference. There was something strong and settled about him. Sure. He held me with both security and reverence, sighing into my hair with hot breath.
My phone must have finally caught up. Several minutes of a variety of different notifications filled the air. When they finally stopped, Nephele laughed. “What was that?”
I smiled up at him sheepishly. “Despite having been scolded by my parents, I was still feeling rebellious. I only now turned my phone back on.”
He laughed again, throwing his head back. The laugh lines around his eyes made me smile fondly. So sophisticated and handsome.
Nudging me toward the phone, he urged me to see if there was anything important I should attend to. It’s been what, two and a half weeks since I’ve basically gone radio silent?
There were the expected emails and voice messages from work, checking to see if I was intending to come back from leave. A whole lot of spam calls and texts. So many social media notifications, I just groaned and ignored them all.
