He sighed heavily and dropped his face into his hands. “Let me think about it,” he rumbled.
“Donavyn, there’s no time.”
He dropped his hands and his eyes were dark on me. “I won’t be disturbing the royals tonight. Please. Let me think it through.”
I sighed, but nodded. Yet, for the rest of the evening, and long after he fell asleep, I considered my other options.
Because I was finally starting to see more clearly. Finally beginning to glimpse what I needed. And if Donavyn wouldn’t get me close to the queen, there was still one way I did believe my brothers’ training could help.
23. Square Peg, Round Hole
~ BREN ~
Ronen was true to his word and took me off patrol the following day. And even though a piece of me was relieved to have a few hours to stop and rest, I was mostly just angry. Angry at Terra for making drama. Angry at Ronen for not believing I could handle the work. And angry at my body for letting me down.
Donavyn had been up and out the door with the sun, whispering that he hadn’t forgotten my request, and he’d make his decision today. So, with the morning off and my brothers flying, I took time to mend my harness, and bathe Akhane.
While I scrubbed her with the stiff-bristled broom, I had a long time to think and plan.
Part of the reason I was angry about Ronen taking me off patrol was because that was part of my job thatwasn’ttaxing. Flying was something Akhane and I both loved. It was the training, both as part of my squad, and for the Shadowfang, on top of flying patrols, that threatened to break me.
‘We’ve only got days, Akhane,’I told her as I scrubbed her legs.‘I need to change somethingnowif I want to have any hope of learning something useful.’
‘I worry you don’t see yourself clearly, Bren,’Akhane said, leaning into my brush and snorting happy steam from her nostrils.‘You have achieved so much in such a short time. You’re too hard on yourself.’
‘I just want to be effective. If we get into Fyrehold, and I can’t protect myself, Donavyn is left trying to protect meandbe a spy. I wouldn’t forgive myself.’
I knew the queen could give me insight, but as much as I’d fought Donavyn to let me talk to her, I wasn’t certain she would willingly do so.
What I needed was a way to train fewer hours, but still effectively. If only my squad had the same purpose as Shadowfang, then my squad training and work would overlap, helping me move ahead in the Shadowfang faster.
At first it was just wishful thinking. But the more I turned it over in my mind, looking for ways that the two roles could crossover, the slower I scrubbed.
I’d been raised to the Fang wing—the stealth wing. The men were surprised, because they’d all seen me roll with Akhane during flight, so assumed I’d become a flyer. But I’d been told at the time of my raising that my skills were suitable for stealth and strategy.
There’d been conversations early on about what I’d be trained for in my squad—a lot of flying, scouting like I’d done in my final trial, but some stealth, aided by Akhane’s grayscale. They camouflaged easily and were harder to see in dim light. I’d been warned that in actual war, I may be used for important patrols, or setting up an ambush.
Yet, because I was so new, and because immediately after my raising, the announcement had come that we were preparing forwar, there hadn’t been much individual training from my squad. Then, with the induction into the Shadowfang, my life had turned into a blur of tasks and trainings until I almost couldn’t keep them straight.
What if my role in my squad was different? What if Ronen shifted his focus, so the aspects I had to learn were more applicable to what I would be doing on mission? Would that mean I could have fewer sessions with the Shadowfang?
There was no doubt, my Shadowfang sessions often crossed over, or expanded on things I’d learned in the path to becoming a Furyknight. But if I could claw back some of those hours during the day and instead devote them to speaking with some of the women who might help me understand my strengths better…
The problem was, I couldn’t ask Ronen, because he wasn’t allowed to know about what I did with Shadowfang.
That meant I had to ask my Fang brothers—Voski, or Gil.
After getting Akhane clean and bedded down, I bathed myself, then dressed and took lunch from the dining hall to the launch hollow to wait for my brothers to return from their patrols.
Right on time, my squad returned, landing one by one within minutes of each other, each approaching from different directions as they’d been assigned.
Harle stopped to joke with me for a few minutes just as Gil and his greyscale, Runar, appeared in the sky. Harle greeted Gil when he landed and they chatted. I was about to reach for Akhane and ask her to tell Runar that I needed to speak privately with Gil, when Harle laughed, then waved and started walking backwards.
“I gotta get going. Beatty’s meeting me for a picnic,” he said, waggling his eyebrows.
I rolled my eyes, but thanked God that he was leaving, catching eyes with Gil, who didn’t appear to notice, though he didn’t follow our brother towards the stable.
“Have fun, Harle,” I called.
