I’m not even sure I’m asking myself the right questions, but apparently I’ll see another day to figure it out.
Then I remember words he uttered to David long ago. The last night before he disappeared.
"I wouldn’t let your disgusting black heart touch my tongue if it was the last in all the universe."
Shadow blinks at me. I’m bleeding, shivering, and holding the torn remnants of my top together. My knee no longer smarts, since his tongue strokes healed the flesh there. But I long for him to put his cock or his tongue between my legs to ease the need and pain.
Swallowing hard, I will him to come to me. To close his arms around and hold me. To close the distance between us.
To lay me down and fill me again. My thighs tremble, covered with our mingled desire. I shut my eyes tight. Even after everything, I want him so damn badly.
"I’m sorry," he says in a low rumble that the breeze carries across the vast space between us.
When I open my eyes, he’s gone.
After pulling my sweatpants back on, I stumble on frozen legs, making my way toward my apartment.
At least I have that can of tuna to eat, I think wryly. Then my heart sinks when I think of the cat. I doubt my ally will return.
I know for fuck sure, my self-respect won’t.
Losing My Last Ally
The relentless beep of Miguel’s heart monitor has become the metronome of my guilt, each tick a hammer against the dread within me. I sit in the plastic chair next to him, and with every rise and fall of his chest, I feel the weight of my own breaths grow heavier. I shouldn’t be here. What if another monster attacks? Still, after another week of wondering, worrying, and working, I couldn’t help myself.
It’s been nearly as long since I last saw Shadow out of his mind with monstrous hunger while he took me brutally out in the open.
I wonder if he’s off devouring more monster hearts and losing his mind? Or is he with the Nexus?
The jealousy writhes, a living thing in my chest, under the bandages of my still-healing skin. He’s out there, protecting the Nexus.
And what am I? A waypoint.
Is this Nexus a female or male?
If I ever met them, I’d ask if Shadow fucked them like he fucks me?
Would they turn themselves inside out just to feel him come?
Would they bleed for him?
I’d bleed myself dry for him.
And maybe, if I bled enough, he’d stop seeing the line between us at all. Recognize I am just like him.
I don’t want to share. I want Shadow all to myself, and the thought that I would have to makes me bitter and hard.
With those thoughts consuming me, I had to get out of the apartment before I went crazy… or crazier.
Fifteen minutes. That’s all I’d give myself to be near Miguel. To see my friend is still alive. Though I’m sure he wouldn’t feel very friendly toward me if he were awake.
A shuffle at the door tears my gaze away from Miguel's ashen face. It's not the efficient patter of nurses. It’s Helena, and the cousins—Miguel’s family—clustered behind her like a storm cloud of collective grief and accusation.
"Evie," Helena begins, her voice brittle, "we need to talk."
The stark hospital feels colder as Helena leads me out to a corridor. Her usually pristine braid is disheveled and unraveling, much like the tentative bond we've shared.
The cousins, a once neutral backdrop to my solitary life, now form a wall of judgment beside her. Their presence is a palpable pressure against my already fragile composure.
