Maybe something is wrong with me, because I find beauty in this strange new world.
Is it the part of me that can no longer stomach the human world, desperate for something so different from the misery I’ve always known? A devil I don’t know?
Or am I awed because the monstrous part of me knows this is where something like me belongs. My insides are twisted with a barely restrained violence like this landscape.
A few years ago, I wouldn’t have felt this way. Shadow was right—back then, I claimed to be a monster, but I was only the idea of one. Now, I’ve come into my own power. It’s made me fearless.
Or reckless.
Fearless or reckless, I do feel how small I am here, how vulnerable. I know nothing of this place, and that uncertainty wraps around me like a noose. Yet with this newness comes a fresh start. A clean slate. This time, it’s going to be different.
My insides quiver with discomfort and fear even as I tell myself this new story and take the next step forward.
Shadow’s form hangs limp in the net the Guard carries, but his blazing eyes never leave me.
I know him too well.
He is thinking how he can escape. How to get me out of here.
But I'm not leaving.
A surge of anger replaces any uncertainty or fear in my heart as we plunge deeper into this alien territory.
"Why didn't you tell me?" My voice slices through the oppressive air. It still feels like drawing powdered glass into my lungs, but I do my best not to let the discomfort show.
Shadow’s expression—blurry but undeniable—flickers between a plea and untamed fury. "Evie, I needed to protect you, to keep you away from all of this. From them," he gestures weakly at the Guard, "and from me."
"Protect me? By lying? By keeping me in the dark?" My hands ball into fists.
The only people who’ve ever done that to me were using me. Manipulating me.
"You were never supposed to know," he says quietly.
"Never supposed to know." I repeat these words slowly. "Because you didn’t want me to think I was special? You let me believe... " I choke on the words. I stop walking, and, the Guard halts, waiting for me to set the pace.
The hours, the days, the weeks I spent festering in jealousy over someone who didn’t even exist. He let me think there was someone else. That I wasn’t enough.
Part of me is relieved, but it’s buried beneath the slabs of lies and deceit. I begin to walk again and the Guard resumes leading the trek.
"I was never supposed to contact you, Evie," Shadow says. "Because it was forbidden to do so. My only job was to protect your life, protect the gateway."
"Then why did you? Why didn’t you keep your distance?" I can’t help the sneer that curls my lip.
"Because I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand by and watch what was happening to you and not interfere."
I remember him making Snarp dance, waving the little stuffed bird wing at me from the edge of my bed that first night. A vise squeezes my heart.
"You pitied me," I say, my voice flat, refusing to look at him.
"You are not a creature to be pitied," he growls. "But you needed protection."
"I'm not some fragile little thing, Shadow. I'm a part of this now, whether you like it or not." I walk faster.
The Guard marches along, indifferent to our exchange. Their eerie silence is a stark contrast to the turmoil swirling within me.
Shadow's gaze, fiery yet filled with an unspeakable depth, locks onto mine. "Evie, you’re right about attracting the darkness." His voice lowers. "Your life is plagued withmonstrosities because of what you are. But for me, it’s always been more. No matter how I tried to resist, I couldn’t stay away. You are more than the Nexus to me. More than a job."
His words send a shiver down my spine, a blend of fear and an unnamable thrill. Dammit, if I still don’t want him to want me. But the longer we walk, the harder the hammer drives in the nail of distrust.
