Donna steps in. “Melodramatic?” she addresses Elizabeth directly. “Elizabeth, you just dug up a human body and failed to report it to the police. This isn’t pretending to be a nun who’s had her bag stolen.”
“What nun?” asks Chris.
“Nothing,” says Donna quickly. “This is a serious crime. Elizabeth, you could all go to jail for this.”
“Nonsense,” says Elizabeth.
“Far from nonsense,” says Chris. “What on earth are you doing? I need you to think very carefully about what you say next. Why did you dig up a body? Let’s take this step by step.”
“Well, as I stated previously, we didn’t dig up the body. But our attention was drawn to the fact that a body had been dug up,” says Ibrahim.
“And we were curious, naturally,” says Ron.
“Our attention was grabbed,” agrees Ibrahim.
“What with the murder of Ian Ventham,” adds Joyce. “It seemed it might be important.”
“You didn’t think Donna and me might have been interested at this point?” asks Chris.
“Firstly, Chris, it’s ‘Donna and I,’” says Elizabeth. “And secondly, who knew what the bones were? We didn’t want to waste your time until we knew for sure what we were dealing with. What if we’d called you out and they were nothing but cow bones? Wouldn’t we have looked silly old fools then?”
“We wouldn’t have wanted to waste your time,” agrees Ibrahim. “We know you are busy with two murders already.”
“But off they went for analysis,” continues Elizabeth. “And back it comes, human bones, good to have it confirmed, no cost to the taxpayer. Male, died sometime in the nineteen seventies, a gunshot wound to the leg, but no way of telling if that’s what killed him. Now to invite Chris and Donna to take a look, and to lead things from here. Get the professionals in. It really feels like you might be thanking us.”
Chris is trying to compose a response. Donna decides that this one might be her responsibility.
“Christ, Elizabeth, just give it a rest for one second. You can drop the actwith us. The second you dug up that body, you knew they were human bones, because I think you can tell the difference. Joyce, you were a nurse for forty years, do you know the difference between human bones and cow bones?”
“Well, yes,” admits Joyce.
“The second you did that Elizabeth, you, and your whole gang—”
“We are not Elizabeth’s gang,” interrupts Ibrahim.
Donna raises her eyebrow at Ibrahim, who holds up a hand in concession. She continues. “The lot of you, from that moment, were in deep, deep trouble. This is not a neat little trick. You might fool the rest of the world, but you don’t fool me. You’re not plucky underdogs, or helpful amateurs. This is a serious crime. This is bigger than a serious crime. And this doesn’t end with us all giggling over a glass of sherry. It ends in a courtroom. How could you be so stupid? The four of you? We’re friends, and you treat me like this.”
Elizabeth sighs. “Well, this is exactly what I meant, Donna. I knew you’d both make a fuss.”
“A fuss!” says Donna incredulously.
“Yes, a fuss,” says Elizabeth. “And I do understand, in the circumstances.”
“Just doing your job,” agrees Ron.
“Admirable, if you want my opinion,” adds Ibrahim.
“But the fuss ends here,” says Elizabeth. “If you’re going to arrest us, arrest us. Take the four of us to the station, question us all night. Get the same answer all night.”
“No comment,” says Ron.
“No comment,” says Ibrahim.
“Like on24 Hours in Police Custody,” says Joyce.
“You don’t know who dug the body up, and you won’t hear the answer from any of us,” continues Elizabeth. “You don’t know who took the bones away for analysis, and you won’t hear that from us either. At the end of the evening you might try and explain to the CPS that four people in theirseventies and eighties have failed to report digging up a body. For what reason? With what evidence, other than the inadmissible confession you’ve taken from us this evening? And with four suspects all of whom are quite happy to go to court, smile happily, and pretend to mistake the judge for their granddaughter, and ask why she doesn’t visit often enough. The whole process is difficult, costly, time-consuming, and achieves nothing. No one is going to prison, no one is getting a fine, no one’s even going to be picking litter by the roadside.”
“Not with my back,” says Ron.
