Hunter glares at me, clenching his jaw.He turns away, shoves his hands through his hair, and turns back.There’s more lightning, close by, and we both turn to look at the window for a moment.
“It didn’t mean anything,” he says at last.“She suggested it, and I just got caught up.”
I can’t look at him, so I look away, at the ugly tile wall of the shower.There’s tears running down my face now, my throat nearly closed off, and I have to force myself not to start sobbing, because holy shit doesthisfeel familiar.
It’s always been like this with us.He was the quarterback, the prom king, and I had to stand there in my fancy dress and watch him dance with Ashley Fucking Newman, who was blond and blue-eyed and a cheerleader and everything that I wasn’t.
Hunter’s handsome.He’s charming.He’s a fuckingfireman, and worse, all that shit comes naturally to him.There’s no reason at all that he should be with some quiet nerd, and I’vealwaysknown it.
The only question is whenhe’llfinally figure it out and leave me.
“I can’t,” I say, my voice coming out a strangled whisper.
He looks at me, his face flat and unreadable.
“Can’t what?”he says.
“I can’t do this with you,” I say, a single sob escaping me.“People don’t change.I should have known better to think you did.”
“Ihaven’t changed?”he says, incredulously.“You ignore me for days and now we’re fighting in a bathroom andI’mthe one who hasn’t changed?”
“I haven’t fucking changed either, then!”I say.I’m trying to keep my voice down, but I think I might be bordering on hysterical.“I’m the same and you’re the same and let’s just skip the part where we have fun together because I already know how this ends, so let’s just get it over with.”
Better now than thirty years from now, I think, even as I’m trying so hard not to cry that I’m shaking.
Hunter’s just staring at me, his mouth slightly open, like he’s not quite sure what just happened.I push past him, wipe my face furiously, and leave the bathroom.Everyone is looking at me as I put on my things and then rush out of the house.
Lightning flashes overhead as I run the fifty feet to my own front door, even though I think the rain is starting to slack off.Trout greets me inside, happy as ever, and I throw my stuff on the floor and head upstairs immediately, flopping miserably onto my bed.
Then I lie there and cry.I cry until I’ve got the hiccups and I can’t cry anymore, because I can’t believe this happenedagain, with the same person, and I can’t believe I didn’t handle it better this time, I can’t believe my parents are getting divorced.I can’t believe my mom cheated on my dad.
The worst part is how it hurtsagain, the same way it did when he went off to Afghanistan, so pumped and excited to be in the Marines, doing something for his country, while I was trying to get through my first couple weeks of college.Every time we talked he was all smiles, friends with everyone else there, while I was usually alone in my dorm room, pretty sure that everyone I knew was at a cool party I hadn’t been invited to.
Back then I thought he cheated on me.Not that I ever had any evidence, but the women in his unit all seemed to reallylikehim.He was halfway around the world, how would I ever find out?
I’m not sure I think that any more, but it’s better to just nip this in the bud than have months of drama play out again.
I stay there, on my bed in the dark, for a long time and just feel sorry for myself.It feels like nothing is stable, like I can’t take anything for granted.Like I’m crossing a rickety bridge and don’t know what’s on the other side.
Someone knocks softly on my bedroom door, but I don’t answer it.They knock again, and then I hear Mandy’s voice quietly calling my name, but I still don’t get up, because I’m not sure I can explain what just happened.Finally, I hear her footsteps heading back down the hallway, and I heave a sigh of relief.
After a long time, I get up.The lights are back on, so I heat leftovers, watch dumb TV.I go to bed at eight, because I don’t want to be awake any more.
I feel like an empty, hollow shell, but a dumb one who can’t learn from her mistakes.At least I fall asleep fast.
ChapterTwelve
Hunter
I watch Clementine leave,and I don’t follow her, even though part of me wants to.But what the fuck am I going to say?Am I going to stand there, get soaking wet, and beg her to forgive me?
And for what, thehorriblecrime of touching another girl?Clementine and I aren’t together.She madedamnsure I knew that before she left for a couple of days, but now she’s acting like I’ve betrayed her somehow.
The guys in the living room glance at me quickly, then go back to pretending they can’t see me and didn’t overhear the giant fight we got into.I turn around and head back through the kitchen, to the screened-in back porch, where I stand and watch the storm.
She saysIhaven’t changed, but she’s the one who saw me with another girl and went fuckingnuclear.She’s the one who kept me at arm’s distance for two full days.I know two days isn’t that much.
If we’d just met, I wouldn’t care, but there’s a long pattern here.Before we broke up, fordaysI’d call her and she wouldn’t answer, she wouldn’t email back, until finally she’d call at three in the morning her time, drunk, and want to talk.
