“Do you feel like it’s helpin’?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
Something I’ve come to learn since Lukas moved in is getting a teenager to talk to you about…anything of meaning is next to impossible. I’m sure I was the same way when I was younger, but man, give me something. I don’t take it personally because that’s just how Lukas is. He keeps his feelings close to his chest, and he’s the same way with his grief. He’s shared memories withme here and there about him and his dad, and he’s admitted to having sad days, but that’s about as far as opening up goes. Maybe it’s something that will change over time, or maybe this is how it’ll always be. Either way, he has my full support.
We continue eating, but Lukas swiftly changes the subject to the project he’s working on for school. They have to build a solar oven, and it’s been all he’s talked about all week. I love seeing how excited he gets over stuff like this. His whole face lights up, and he gets real animated with his hands when explaining anything about it to me. Teenage Remi would’ve been so annoyed that he had to do something like this. But Lukas is so excited, and so eager to learn as much as he can.
My palms sweat as I try to think of a way to bring up something I’ve been wanting to talk to him about. If I’m being honest, it’s something I’ve been working up the nerve to bring up for days, but it never seems like the right time.
But I’m doing it today, no matter what.
I’m going to ask Lukas if I can adopt him.
In the grand scheme of things, he hasn’t been in my care all that long, but it blows me away how quickly my heart opened to him. How quickly he went from a stranger to my family. Six months ago, I was a bachelor living alone, and now I’m scheduling appointments and making sure there’s enough vegetables in the food I make. I went from not having to think about anybody but myself to not even a half hour going by without thinking about Lukas.
I called his grandma last week to update her on how he’s doing. Before we got off the phone, I brought up me adopting Lukas, and she was completely on board with it. Which I figured would be the case. She made it pretty clear before she moved that she had zero interest in raising another kid. And if he’s going to stay with me indefinitely, I’d really love to make it official, if that’s something Lukas wants too, so he never has towonder if his life is going to be uprooted again. I want him to know how much I love him, and how his home is with me for as long as he wants it to be.
But fuck, the idea of asking is a little more intimidating than I thought it would be.
Taking a couple of deep breaths, I decide to put my big boy pants on, and get it over with. It’s not going to get any less scary or nerve-racking the longer I wait. “Hey, bud, there’s somethin’ I wanted to talk to you about.”
His gaze lifts from his plate. Arching a brow, he says, “Uh, okay. Fantastic conversation opener.”
I chuckle. “Sorry. It’s nothin’ bad. Promise.”
“Okay. What is it then?”
Another deep breath.
Here goes nothing.
“I wanna start by sayin’ I don’t expect an answer right now, or even this week. You can take as much time as you need, and no matter what you decide, you won’t hurt my feelings, and it doesn’t change a thing.”
“Oh my gosh, Remi,” he groans. “You’re freakin’ me out.”
“Shit, I’m sorry.” I fold my hands together in my lap to keep them from shaking. “I’ll just…spit it out, I guess.”
“Yeah. Good idea,” he deadpans.
“I’ve given this a lot of thought recently, and if you’re okay with it, I’d really love to adopt you.”
Lukas stares at me for a second before shifting his gaze to the plate in front of him, fingers picking at the half-eaten burger. “You mean, like…for real?” His voice is small, barely above a whisper.
“For real,” I say. “Like legally. Like forever.”
His eyes flick up to mine, glossy and unsure. “Is that… Is that allowed?” Lukas swallows, his hands falling to his lap. “I mean, I already had a dad.”
“I know. And I’ll never be him. I don’t wanna be. He wasyourdad, and he always will be. Nothin’ will change that, Lukas.”
He nods, his jaw tight and his lips pressed together.
“Adoptin’ you wouldn’t erase him,” I offer. “It wouldn’t change how much you love him, or how much he loved you. It just means—” My voice cracks, emotion thick in my throat. I don’t fight it. “It just means you never have to wonder where you belong anymore.”
His eyes are red-rimmed, and he rubs his eyebrow with his thumb like he’s trying to shield his face, to hide the emotion he’s feeling. “But you already take care of me.”
“I do. And I want to keep doin’ that. On the good days, on the awful ones, on the days you miss him so much you can’t breathe.”
“Even when I’m mad? Or quiet?”
