I considered using one of my toys while I imagined it. Even the idea had my thighs pressing together, creating a sweet ache. Before I could decide, I heard the front door close.
Neil had returned. It wasn’t that I’d forgotten, but thinking about Sean had distracted me, and I wasn’t prepared when he appeared in the doorway, his hair a disheveled mess and a soft, dreamy smile on his lips. I’d seen that smile before. Neil had definitely had sex.
He’d had sex with more than just me now. Logically, I knew that’s what I had agreed to, but the tangle in my stomach wasn’t about logic. Heat filled my eyes.
Some of the dreaminess slipped away from him, and his jaw tightened. “What? You said it was okay.”
I swallowed, looking away. “I didn’t say anything.”
“But you—” He sucked in a breath. “Fine. I’m going to shower.” He disappeared into the bathroom.
I listened to the water run, not letting myself cry because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to stop before he was done. He was right; I’d agreed to this. If things had worked out differently, I might have a body count of two tonight as well.
He wasn’t worried about that, though. Either he hadn’t thought of it, he’d doubted I’d be able to pick someone up, orhe’d been sure I wouldn’t go through with it. The last thought let the tingling in my eyes dissipate. I still struggled with just the idea of sleeping with someone besides Neil if I couldn’t even decide to masturbate while thinking of Sean.
Was part of why I was so upset because he’d gotten to do it, but I hadn’t yet? He’d given me permission, but that felt more real now. I could sleep with someone else, too. Ineededto sleep with someone else.
When Neil came out of the bathroom, I reached over to switch off the lamp on my side of the bed. It was late. I was tired. But a large part of it was I didn’t want to see that expression on his face, the one that I had been the only one to see before, but now Natasha had seen.
Neil switched off his light, settling in beside me.
My throat felt tight as we lay on our backs next to each other. I listened to him breathe, realizing I was breathing faster than him. I tried to match his pace instead, the process loosening the tightness in my throat.
“How was it?” I asked. That wasn’t really what I wanted to ask, though. I wanted to ask if he’d made Natasha orgasm.
Was our problem me all along?
My throat clogged up again.
“I don’t think you really want the details. Let’s just go to sleep.” He rolled to his side, facing away from me.
I waited for his breathing to become that soft snore he said he didn’t have before I gave in to the tears. Keeping my lips clenched tight to hold in the sobs, the tear tracks burned as theyslid down my face. I wasn’t sure what I was most upset about. That my boyfriend had slept with someone else or that I was likely the cause of our sex problems all along.
Chapter 7
The Third Friday
It was more nerve-racking than I expected to walk up to someone who had told me they wanted to kiss me. Sean’s smile widened when he saw me, which made it a little easier.
“Hey, honey. Glad to see you here tonight.”
“Hi.” I shifted my feet, wondering if there was a good way to say it. “Um, about what you said last time.”
“You decided against it?” he asked, his smile not dropping at all.
“Yeah. I’m sorry.”
“Won’t lie and say I’m not disappointed.” He ran a hand over his beard. “Did you at least enjoy thinking about it?”
I flushed, trying not to make it worse by remembering how hard I’d come while using my vibrator and imagining more than kissing him.
He chuckled. “Looks like you did.”
“It’s not that I don’t want to.” When he stared, the heat inside me spread across my chest, making me second-guess the hint of cleavage I’d managed to display.
“Are you saying you want to kiss me but won’t?” Sean asked, stepping closer.
My gaze dropped, but I forced myself to nod. “I like it here. I don’t want to lose that if, well if it’s, you know…” My eyes squeezed shut, and I whispered the last word. “Bad.”
