It’s a good thing we have a deadline. I can avoid getting further tangled up with him. We’ll put a period at the end of it, and we’ll move on with our lives.
An email arrives in my inbox on a Wednesday in October. It’s been there all day, but I haven’t had the courage to check it. It’s evening, and I’m home now, which seems to be a good place to open it, but every time I try a swooping sensation fills my chest. It’s from the med school, and my guess is it will instruct me to check the online portal for my results.
Is this it? Am I being rejected? I drum my fingers on my coffee table. I’ve poured myself a glass of white wine, but I haven’t had any yet. My dinner, some leftover casserole, cooks in the oven, and the garlicky scent almost makes me feel nauseous. The low drone of the television is on in the background—a home improvement show I’m not really watching—but nothing is drowning out the thump of my own heart.
I don’t really want to do this alone. I could call my brother, or one of my friends, but my first instinct is to talk to Grant, and that confuses me. Sure, we’ve been hooking up for a couple of weeks now, but that’s it. This itchy need to talk to him crawls over my skin until I open my contacts to video call him.
He answers after the first ring. It’s after nine, and we’ve both been at work today, but his eyes almost look bright when he speaks. “Did you miss me already?” He rubs his hand over his light scruff, and an unfortunate zip of electricity shoots up my spine.
“I’m in need of moral support,” I tell him. I have my computer in front of me now, and I swing the phone around so he can see my email account.
“Oh. Well, shit.” He’s quiet for a moment. “And you wanted to call me first?”
“Don’t read too much into it.” I push my mouse so that it hovers over the email. “But I’m logging into the portal, and I need someone to be here either way.”
“Of course.” He rubs his jaw again. Damn him. Why is that so sexy? “I’m here. You can laugh, scream, cry. Whatever you need.”
His words dig into my tender feelings like little hooks. I can’t believe how sappy I’ve become lately. It’s honestly disgusting.
He’s silent while I open the email and follow the portal instructions. He’s holding his breath with me, I can tell. His lips are pursed.
I cover my mouth with my hand. “Holy shit.” My eyes water. “I got in!”
When I look at Grant, his smile stretches wide. He gives me a little fist pump. “I knew it! Congrats. You were an excellent candidate, clearly. I never had doubts.”
To my horror, tears threaten. I never cry in front of otherpeople. In fact, the last time I cried in front of this man, I swore I would never do it again. I fan my face.
“I’m really happy for you, Kendall.” If Grant notices my tearfulness, he doesn’t comment on it. “You’re going to do great.”
“God. This is such a trip.”
He grins at me again. “I’m so thrilled for you. It’s better than when I got my own letter. I’ve been waiting with bated breath.”
“Stop that.” My smile mirrors his.
“I’m serious. I’m ecstatic.”
“I don’t know how in the hell I’m going to pay for it, but I’ve decided that if I have to take out loans, I’ll make it work.”
“Plenty of people do that,” Grant says. “Lots of my classmates. Most of them, really. You’ll be able to pay them back on a physician’s salary.”
“Yeah.” I tug on the collar of my T-shirt. “The thing that scares me, though, is that I might take out loans and then not be able to finish school for some reason. Anything can happen. I could fail, or I could be in a terrible accident. Or maybe I’ll just hate it. Then I’ll be stuck paying back thousands of dollars.”
Grant’s face softens. He’s in his bedroom, I notice, lounging on his bed. He stares at me with so much sympathy I want to look away. “Yeah, anything can happen. I know it’s way different for me, but I don’t have unlimited funds, either. I would be devastated if things didn’t work out for me as a physician now.”
“Yes, but you have a safety net.”
He tilts his head from side to side. “Yes. But you were talking about hypothetical bad things. By that logic, we don’t know that my parents aren’t going to get arrested for money laundering or tax evasion or something like that.” At my raised eyebrows, he laughs. “They aren’t doing those things, obviously. But you’ll drive yourself crazy thinking about how life can go wrong.”
“Point taken.” I take my phone with me to go get my dinner out of the oven. I’m still not very hungry, so I leave it sitting on the stove. I go back to the couch and pick up my wine.
“I can let you go eat if you want.”
“I don’t think I can actually take a bite.” I sip on my wine. “I’m full of so much adrenaline I feel like I could circle the earth, Superman style.”
“What now, then?”
I laugh. “Are you suggesting phone sex?”
