And the truth is, Leo won’t do anything to put my career at risk, and I won’t do that for him, either. We both worked incredibly hard to get where we are.
“Well, it was no peach picking, then private farm to table dinner, or chicken nuggets in the trunk of my car, or a night at the Mill. It was…” I try to find the right word for what it was. “It was work.” I yawn then, cuddling into the bed with the phone perched in front of me,
“You’re tired. I should let you go.”
“No, I’m fine.”
“You had a long day, between this morning and your date.”
If I’m being honest, the day does feel like it was a week long. I can’t actually believe that just this morning, I was still in Holly Ridge. As I think over everything that happened today, though, I pause, remembering the panic attack I had this morning. Normally, I’d be embarrassed if someone caught me in the middle of one, but I don’t with Leo, not only because of the way he handled it or the care he showed me, but the way he somehowseemed not only to know what was happening but how to handle it instantly.
It’s something I’ve been wondering about all day, and now that I’m settled in bed, the question spills from my lips. “How did you know what to do today?”
He lifts an eyebrow.
“I think I’ve proven myself more than capable of knowing what you need to come, Willa,” he says, voice low, and a blush burns across my cheeks.
“No, I mean this morning. When I had a panic attack,” I clarify, and some of the humor fades from his face. “How did you know what was happening and what to do?” A moment passes and, just like it has happened a dozen times over the years, I half expect him to avoid the question, to change the subject.
But that is the Leo of a few months ago. Not Holly Ridge Leo. NotmyLeo.
“Because I’ve been there,” he says simply. “I’ve had panic attacks in the past.”
“Really?” I ask, somewhat shocked because I’ve never met anyone more self-assured or put together than Leo Sinclaire. He nods.
“Yeah. It’s why I came to Holly Ridge.” I stay silent, watching and reading his face and giving him the space to elaborate if he wants, and warmth fills me after a moment when he expands. “In October, I had a panic attack. A bad one. It was the first one I ever really had, and I thought I was having a heart attack. I went to the hospital in an ambulance, and honestly, I thought I was going to die.” My eyes widen at this news, and how that must have felt, especially with my knowing that his father died from a heart attack. He’s told me a dozen stories by now about his dad, both from his childhood and working with him, stories about how his dad was with his mom, and how twelve years after hisdeath, she still hasn’t moved on, and he is pretty sure she never will.
“Oh my god, Leo,” I whisper. “I had no idea.”
“Once I found out it was just a panic attack, I didn’t really want to publicize it,” he says with a self-deprecating laugh, and more than ever, I wish he were here with me so I could hold him.
“October…that’s when you stepped back from clients,” I say, trying to make a mental timeline. He nods.
“I thought I was going to die, and all I could think about when I was in that ambulance was that I didn’t leave anything of note behind. That my dad would be so disappointed I didn’t do more with the time I was given. Of course, he would be proud of my career, but he’d be so pissed that I dedicated everything to it, that I spent so much time at work, and I wasn’t even really happy. Before then, I kept telling myself I just had to hit the next milestone, then I could slow down and focus on my life, but there was always another one to hit, and having a personal life, living for anything but work, would just slow me down. But when you’re faced with the reality of life, it makes you wonder if it’s worth it. If you couldn’t have made another choice and had more, had balance. Had it all.”
“Leo,” I whisper, unsure of what to say because I know exactly what he means. Wasn’t I just there? In a way, aren’t I still there, desperately trying to figure out how I can balance my career and my personal life?
“The thought of dying alone, with no one to really care about me, is what made me make the change, what made me move to Holly Ridge. I realized I had nothing memorable. No one to miss me, and I wanted to change that.” A moment passes before I speak, a small smile on my lips.
“Is it weird to be thankful for a panic attack?”
“Probably,” he says with a laugh.
“Well, weirder things have happened in my life,” I murmur. “And now?”
“Now?”
“You moved to Holly Ridge because you didn’t like where your life was headed. And now?”
He stares at me for long moments before he speaks.
“I’ve never been happier, Willa. Now I know what I want from life, and I have found peace, knowing to my soul I am not going to be living that life alone.”
“Yeah, Hallie would never let you be alone for long,” I say, trying to keep it casual, swallowing the lump in my throat.
‘No, Willa,” he says, clearly not wanting to let me brush this off. “It’s because I have you. Because I could be in the city, or LA, or Hollywood, and if we still had what we have right now, I would have the same settled feeling. You could be miles away, but at the end of the day, I know you and me? We’re not going anywhere. We can’t be together right now, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t mine, and that’s what I need. That’s all I’ll ever need. My career could go to shit, and I could lose all of my clients, and I would be just fine,” he murmurs. “Because with you, Willa, I already have it all. The rest is just a bonus."
THIRTY-THREE
