Looking toward my headstone, guilt pierces me. Despite their frequent absences, my parents mourned me. They loved me. The understanding cuts me like a shard of glass. Just as Antonia loved Vane fiercely and protectively, despite his father’s cruelty, my parents loved me, even though I never truly understood it. And I repaid their love with the ultimate deception—my fabricated death, a gaping wound in their lives that I carved myself.
“Why are you showing me this?” I lift my face to Vane’s. Why is he sharing these intimate details of his past with me after nearly a year of lies? Even when I believed we were happy, he kept his past guarded.
His eyes fill with an emotion that takes my breath away. “I kept these details from you about who I was and where I came from because of the pain my past brings. I would have died if Vyvyan hadn’t Turned me. I owed her my life,” he admits. “But I am done following her rules. I once thought I would have no one if I didn’t have Vyvyan. But then, I met you.”
I nod, frowning at the mention of Vyvyan. That viper dangled details of Vane’s supposed feelings for me like a bloody lure, then tried to kill me. He’s here, yet my racing heart silences me.Did he really make me lie about siring me to protect me? I can’t bring myself to ask if my suspicions were true. Another lie would crush me.
He takes my hand. “Desi, after bringing you to the Nest, I tried to keep my distance for your own good. I wanted you to have everything you were denied growing up. I was awful to you because I was furious with myself. No matter how I treated you, I still wanted you.” His voice cracks. “I was terrified of what would happen to you if the others knew about us. I thought that you’d be happy by keeping my distance and making you hate me. You’d have friends. But I couldn’t stay away. Your scent, your beauty . . . it was like a drug. I saw myself in you. That night, you wandered into Little Death, I had to have you. And letting you go has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done.” He pauses, his gaze intense. “You are a dream that terrifies and tempts me whenever I close my eyes. The pull to be near you is beguiling. Your control over me makes me hate myself because I should have held you close, but I let you go. I am sorry for everything. And I will do everything I can to earn your forgiveness.”
My lips part. His confession stirs too many emotions in me at once.
I pull free from his grip. His touch clouds my senses. “What are you saying?”
He exhales. “From that first meeting, you have made me feel things that no one—not even Vyvyan—has ever made me feel. I never should have Turned you. Iknewwhat would happen if I did. I knew Vyvyan would be pissed and that she would make your life a living hell. But I also knew if I didn’t turn you, you would make someone else do it, and I couldn’t bear the thought of someone else being your sire. It was my selfish mistake, and everything I feared came true. I made Vyvyan think I hated you, even though it was tearing me apart because I knew it was the only way she would let you have a normal life in the Nest. And itworked, Desi. You made so many friends. You seemed so happy. That was worth it, even if it tore me apart.”
My chest quakes. It’s everything I want to hear, but there are still parts of our history that don’t make sense. “Okay, so after Vyvyan told everyone about us, why didn’t you stand up for me?” I ask. “If your words are real, why were you still so cruel to me? You made my best friend hate me by telling Vyvyan secrets about me.”
His left hand tightens around the umbrella. His knuckles turn bone-white with the force. “Desiree, please.”
I shake my head. He let me take the blame for our relationship alone, leaving me to face the consequences while he remained unscathed.
“Why did you tell me about Nyx’s bomb, then?” I press.
“Because I knew it would break you if something happened to Wilder.”
“Yet Vyvyan took her anger out on me for leaving the Nest that night—justme!”
Vane’s expression darkens. “You’re wrong. She punished me, too.”
“Oh, yeah, how?” I don’t recall seeing him clean toilets.
“By hurting you.”
Silence falls, heavy between us. My heart is beating so fast I’m dizzy.
“Vyvyan is my family; we’ve been together for over a century, but it has taken me decades to realize her deep fear of loneliness and rejection drives her to control those around her.”
My hand clutches my chest as it caves. I want to believe him and trust in his words’ sincerity, but the last time I did, he broke me.
“Everything I did in the Nest—the ignoring, the pushing you away—it was all to keep you safe. I see now how wrong I was. I should have just claimed you, Desi. Youaremine. Even if itmeant isolating you from the others, they don’t matter. Only you do. That’s why I told Vyvyan those things. She would have suspected something if I hadn’t.” His voice drops, heavy with regret. “I also hoped . . . that if you left the Nest, maybe we could be together. That place isn’t home to me anymore.Youare my home. I’ll go where you go. Forever.”
The rain intensifies, a torrent against the umbrella, mirroring the tempest in my head. He’s telling the truth. The blood bond vibrates with his sincerity. Tears prick my eyes, hot and angry, but beneath that anger breathes understanding.
I shift closer, my fingers curling around his neck, needing to touch him, to believe. He leans into my touch, a silent plea for forgiveness. And the crushing weight of loneliness lifts for the first time since Misty and I shared those last laughs in the Little Death bathroom.
His methods of protecting me were misguided, but Vane’s intentions were pure. He thought he was giving me what I wanted when all I ever needed was him—someone who accepted me for who I am.
I once believed that living at the Nest and having Vyvyan’s acceptance were the only ways I’d ever feel genuinely happy, but that isn’t true. Vyvyan’s bullying tactics, which I succumbed to, were merely a means for her to oppress Vane and me. I also let Misty treat me cruelly after I made the mistake of lying to her instead of giving her the space to come to terms with my actions.
Fear of hurting those around me has always been a driving force, causing me to prioritize their happiness over mine to maintain peace. I’ve been tormented one way or another my entire life, and I am sick of it. Taking control of my life, without the fear of angering the wrong individuals, is a step I am determined to take.
I’ll take a page from Jaxson’s book and move forward. Any sane person would run after how Vane treated me, but who said I was sane? I fell in love with a vampire, for crying out loud.
“I love you.” I’ve only ever said those words to Jaxson. I meant them then, just as I do now. But this is different. Through years of isolation and mistrust, Jaxson protected me, but Vane pursued me, fought with me, and now wants me to accept myself and show the world who I truly am, jagged edges and all.
“I’ve been in love with you since that night at my loft when the Blades came. It’s why your actions hurt me so badly,” I confess. Vane frowns, but I cup his cheek. “I’m willing to forgive you if you make it up to me.”
“Anything you wan?—”
