My bad. Should I be addressing you as Mr. Devine? Your Excellency? Oh Glorious One with the Impossible Cheekbones?
I’m grinning like an idiot at my phone screen, and I don’t even care. I can’t remember the last time I enjoyed a simple text exchange this much. Maybe I never have.
AntD
Just Ant is fine. I’m actually just a simple, straightforward guy buried under all the hair gel.
NickKnackPaddyWhack
Yeah, I can tell. My heart bleeds for you, having to cope with the burden of being ridiculously good-looking and talented.
AntD
Yeah, I caught all those bleeding-heart vibes when you mocked me ruthlessly on video and shared it with the entire internet.
NickKnackPaddyWhack
Did you miss the part where I said I’m your biggest fan?
AntD
Well, I guess someone who goes to such an effort to spoof me must be some kind of fan.
NickKnackPaddyWhack
Oh, totally. I’m president of the Anthony Devine fan club. We meet every Tuesday to analyze your lyrics and argue over which of your hairstyles is the most iconic.
AntD
I’m honored. Though I have to say, I’m a little disappointed you haven’t invited me to any of these meetings. I feel like I could offer some valuable insights.
NickKnackPaddyWhack
Sorry, members only. We have a very strict policy against fraternizing with the object of our obsession. We like to fanboy and fangirl from afar.
AntD
Damn. And here I was, ready to give you an exclusive behind-the-scenes look at the real Anthony Devine.
NickKnackPaddyWhack
I’m curious about what that would entail. Information on your burrito addiction, your habit of singing Italian in the shower, and your irrational fear of butterflies?
My mouth drops open. Gee, this guy is really living up to his superfan status. I’m pretty sure I only ever mentioned my fear of butterflies in one early interview I did with a Japanese newspaper.
AntD
Do you know everything there is to know about Anthony Devine?
NickKnackPaddyWhack
Everything? Nah, that would be creepy. I only know about 99.9% of everything. The remaining 0.1% keeps me up at night.
AntD
I’ll happily fill you in on the remaining 0.1%. I wouldn’t want your sleep deprivation on my conscience.
NickKnackPaddyWhack
