"That's one word for it."
"He looked at me like he was calculating whether I was a threat or an asset."
"He looks at everyone like that. It's not personal."
"Somehow that doesn't make it better."
"He takes time to warm up. Years, usually. Decades, sometimes." I moved to the cabinet, pulled out a glass. "Do you mind if I join you?"
She hesitated, and I saw the war playing out behind her eyes. The desire for solitude versus the pull of company. The need to maintain distance versus something else she wasn't ready to name.
"It's your kitchen," she said finally.
"It's our kitchen. That's the point."
I poured myself water instead of vodka. I wanted a clear head for this conversation, whatever it turned out to be.
She turned back to the window, and silence fell between us. I watched her profile, the graceful line of her neck, the way she held the cup like it was the only thing keeping her anchored.
"About earlier," I started.
"Don't."
"We should talk about it."
"Why?" She turned to face me, and her expression was carefully blank. "It happened. It was a mistake. We were both emotional; the situation was intense. It doesn't have to mean anything."
"What if it did mean something?"
"Then we'd have an even bigger problem than we already do."
She was right. I knew she was right. But some stubborn part of me refused to accept it.
"You kissed me back," I said.
"I know."
"You wanted it."
"I know that too." She set down her cup, her movements precise and controlled. "That doesn't mean it was a good idea. That doesn't mean we should do it again."
"I'm not saying we should do it again. I'm saying we should acknowledge what it was."
"And what was it?"
The question stopped me. I'd been so focused on the fact that it happened, I hadn't really considered what it meant. What did I want it to mean?
"I don't know," I admitted. "But I know it wasn't nothing."
Something shifted in her expression. A crack in the armor, quickly sealed. "You're making this harder than it needs to be."
"Am I?"
"Yes. We have a simple arrangement. Protection in exchange for marriage. Anything beyond that complicates things."
"Things are already complicated."
"They don't have to be more complicated."
