I stop at my car, my hand frozen on the handle. These past weeks have been hell. I can hardly sleep, hardly eat since Ella ended things.Again.The only thing that has given me any reprieve from my hell has been finally making headway in taking down my enemies. I just wish I could have realized Henry’s involvement without the car accident. That night may have spurred my memories, but it also showed me that no matter how much I plan, I will always be vulnerable. Ella will always be vulnerable. The sight of her passed out and bleeding from her head still haunts me. It’s why I can’t give in to her demands. I want to. But . . . I just can’t. I can’t promise her that if her life is in danger that I won’t do questionable things to protect her.
“We both want things neither of us can give.” I hate the words as they leave my lips. I don’t want them to be real. But unfortunately, they are.
“Come on, man. Don’t do this.”
“Do what?”
“Punish yourself. Punish her. Your stubbornness is what makes you so goddamn successful, but sometimes it’s your downfall, Asher. Don’t give up on the best thing that everhappened to you. I’ve never seen you as happy as you were with Ella. And you’ve been a miserable fuck ever since things ended. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life like this. And no one else wants you to, either. You’re a nightmare to be around.”
I clench my jaw. “Thanks.”
“Just giving my loving, brotherly opinion.”
Declan reaches inside his jacket and pulls out a glossy magazine, then holds it out toward me.
I take it from him. “What’s this?”
“Just look at it.”
My chest pinches as I look at the cover. It’s Ella. Her fall line shoot. She’s so fucking beautiful it takes my breath away. But it’s not just her beauty that does me in. It’s the happy, mischievous glint in her eye that does it. Even posed for a cover shoot, Ella’s soul shines through. Her goodness. Her optimism. Her carefree spirit. It’s so apparent, even in a photo.
She’s my opposite in so many ways, and I didn’t realize until now how good that was for me. My rigid, domineering nature was balanced by her easy-going joyfulness. And her spice—I loved watching her sassy, take no shit side come out and own my ass when she needed to. I miss it. I miss her. It’s fucking killing me to be separated from her.
“Tell me you don’t want her back,” Declan says, his voice uncharacteristically soft.
“Of course I want her back.”
“Then when this is all over, you need to fight for her. Give her what she wants. What she’s asking for is not even unreasonable, you dumb fuck.” And there’s the normal Declan back.
“I want to, but you know I can’t promise that I won’t do something like this in the future if it’s necessary. And without that promise, I don’t know if she’ll have me.”
“Then convince her. She’s in love with you. If you can pull your head out of your ass, you can get her back.”
“I’ll try.”
Declan is halfway in his car but pauses to look at me. “And Asher? Go to therapy. I know this whole situation has brought up a lot of shit for you, but you need to get past it. Don’t hold your life hostage because of Grandpa’s death. He wouldn’t want that.”
His words pierce my chest. I stand frozen and can only watch as he shuts his door and starts his car. I’m still rooted to the spot as he drives off. I don’t look to Declan for wisdom often, but I can’t deny the truth in his words.
Grandpa wouldn’t want this.
He would be disappointed if he knew I was wasting my life because of my fears. His death was tragic, but it shouldn’t be the thing that keeps me from happiness. When I think of Ella’s absence and the hole in my life it’s caused, I thinkmaybeI finally understand that. But can I move beyond it? Can I breathe freely, knowing Ella will always be at risk? I don’t know. I want to. But I’m still not sure if I can.
Maybe I am just a dumb fuck.
40
ELLA
Why so many socialites aspire to this lifestyle, I’ll never know. Don’t get me wrong, swimming and sitting by the pool most of the day and doing yoga on the balcony surrounded by tropical plants as the sun rises is a dream. But after doing it for six weeks straight? I’m bored as hell and going crazy.
Well, not a full six weeks. I spent a week in bed after I ended things with Asher. I cried and cried until I was sick. Until my eyes and nose were so red and raw that I could hardly touch them. Five weeks later, I’m still a mess. I still cry over everything and nothing, but it’s hard to get past it when I’m stuck in this limbo. No amount of negotiating has convinced Flores and Jenkins to let me go. I’ve insisted time and again that since I’m no longer with Asher that I shouldn’t be kept here against my will. They’ve insisted that their orders are to bring me back to New York only when Asher gives the word that it’s safe.
So, I’ve been here for six weeks, slowly going crazy. It doesn’t help that I’ve been cut off from the world. There is no phone or internet. There’s only a TV, and it’s not hooked up to any internet, streaming services, or even cable. All I can watchare the blue-ray disks in the house. If not for the books, I’d have gone batshit by now.
My days consist mostly of stupid amounts of yoga and Pilates, self-defense training, reading, sitting by the pool, and watching whatever movie I can stomach each night. I do take a few short strolls around the property with Flores or Jenkins, and that helps suppress the cabin fever a bit, but it only does so much. I’m still in a prison. It’s a luxurious, tropical paradise, but it’s still a form of prison.
My other saving grace is that Flores and Jenkins feed me updates on what’s going on back home any time they get an update from Asher. I’ll give Asher one thing: he’s definitely following through on all his threats. To a scary degree.
