The silence between us is deafening, and my head swims as the reality of what he is and isn’t saying sinks in.
“I’m so stupid,” I whisper.
“No, Ella . . . I wouldn’t.”
“Yes, you would. You’ve been honest all along, Asher, I was just too caught up in you to listen. The situation with Sergei and Yegor is exactly the thing you’re terrified of, and it’s happened. You’d rather push me away than live with the fear of what might happen to me, and you’re not entirely sure you wouldn’t push me away permanently if you thought it was safer for me.”
He takes a long time to answer. “I don’t want to push you away.”
“And yet you did.”
“Just until I have things handled.”
“So you say. But what happens when the next thing comes along? You’ll do this again until the next thing is handled.”
“It’s my responsibility to keep you safe. I dragged you into all of this.”
“And in the future? What if we have those kids you asked me about? Are you going to drug them and ship them tosomewhere in South America, too?”
“Ella . . . I . . .”
“You can’t even give me a straight answer!”
“I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I want you to say that you understand that you went too far and that this will never happen again.”
“Everything I did, I did to keep you safe.”
“Your fear is ruling you, Asher! I told you I understood the risk of getting involved with you. At first, I thought it was just the paparazzi, but as time has gone on, I obviously know it’s more than that. You’re a powerful man, and that brings along powerful enemies. But I made peace with that. I accepted that. I agreed to go along with your security to stay safe because I understood that it is not an idle threat. I’ve tried to go along with all the things you needed.
“I’ve made some mistakes along the way, but for the most part, I have done everything you’ve asked. I flipped my life upside down to be with you. I gave in to your demands and compromised for you, but you refuse to do that with me. As soon as the threats got real, you shipped me off without my consent. That isn’t balance. That isn’t how healthy relationships work.”
Asher starts to cut in, but I practically snarl at him. “I’m not done! I can handle your possessiveness and your aggressivetactics because so far, you’ve done them while also treating me with dignity and respect. But this . . . this isn’t respect. And now you’re all but admitting that one day you might get pushed to the point that you remove me from your life completely because you think it’s what’s best for me. You don’t get to make those kinds of decisions on my behalf!
“I don’t care about your rule over trivial things like the clothes or the security officers or working on the executive floor. I can be flexible. I’m secure enough as a person to not be too bothered by a lot of your behaviors, especially since I understand where they come from. But this? I don’t know how to move forward knowing that you might pull the rug out from under me one day because your fear overrides your judgment. I don’t want to sit around waiting for you to decide it’s too dangerous and end things forever. That’s not love, Asher. And that’s not a life I can accept.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m asking you to promise me that you’ll never do something like this again. And I’m asking you to promise that you won’t break up with me because you think that’s what’s best for me or for my safety. If you fall out of love with me, that’s one thing. I would be heartbroken, but at least I can understand something like that. But pushing me away because you’re afraid for my safety? I can’t tolerate that one. Promise me both of those things, and I can promise to work on forgiving you.”
Another loaded silence. “I can’t promise that.”
Tears that have been pooling in my eyes spill down my cheeks. My stomach hollows as if it’s been run through with a blade.
“Then I can’t be with you,” I whisper. I almost don’t believe the words as they leave my mouth. But I can’t take them back. Not if he can’t meet me on this.
“Don’t do this, Ella,” he pleads.
“Thenpromise me.”
“Ican’t.” His voice breaks on the last word.
My pulse pounds in my ears as disbelief courses through me. It’s all I can do to make my voice speak. “Then that’s all I needed to hear. I love you, Asher. I’ve never loved anyone like I love you, and I know I never will again. But I can’t be with you if I can’t have those guarantees.”
“Please, Ella.”
“I’m sorry.”
